On the Liberal Express and my non-interview with Michael Ignatieff.

In an effort to try and capitalize on a series of Tory gaffes Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff launched the Liberal Express this summer.

And there was a brief blip in the polls in mid-summer when the Liberals could claim a lead (within the margin of error).

Also, the Tories did manage to blow an 11-point lead in less than a week over the census non-issue that they turned into a disaster. So there is always a chance that come election time (likely not till the spring) that the Liberals could, if they get lucky, head to the polls just as the latest Tory stumble over their own feet unfolds.

If that was the case what sort of leader would Ignatieff be? We’ve heard the Tory attack ads but I was curious what the Harvard scholar, journalist, best selling novelist and Obama bff would be like up close and personal.

So it was with great anticipation of some significant face time with the Liberal leader that I boarded the Liberal Express bus for our trip down the Sea to Sky Corridor.

Unfortunately Iganatieff was only granting interviews to Postmedia (formally Canwest) and I had to spend the hour talking with Ken Dryden (yes not a bad consolation prize.) Just the same it would have been nice to get the promised interview. Of course those who know me, know I rarely, if ever let reality get in the way.

I therefore present the interview as I imagine how it would have gone if I had in fact interviewed Michael Ignatieff (as promised).

Me: You have been talking a lot about Tory tax cuts to big corporations, tax cuts that the middle class are largely bearing on their backs, so what would you do for the middle class if the Liberals form government?

Ignatieff: We will end the era of corporate welfare?

Me: So direct subsidies and selective tax breaks to large corporations will end?

Ignatieff: Not so much that. But we will preserve Canadian Corporate Champions that we all can be proud of.

Me: So basically more of the same?

Ignatieff: Not at all it will be a Liberal government taking your money to give to big corporations, which means we’ll do it in a kinder more compassionate way – the Canadian way - not the dog eat dog American way that Stephen Harper emulates.

Me: But the federal government gave $74 million to large media companies in Canada last year how does that improve the country?

Ignatieff: Oh well I can’t speak to every nickel and dime that’s being spent here and there. But if you have a problem with those companies take it up with them.

Me: But those are Canadian tax dollars, shouldn’t you be holding the Tories to account for wasteful spending?

Ignatieff: Did you know the Tories smeared a career public servant? And hey, how about that census mess?

Me: That hardly answers the question.

Ignatieff: Okay sure a company like Glacier Media that made $30 million in profit last year received a few million dollars from the federal government. But you know what? If we didn’t give them that money next year they might only make $25 million and then we wouldn’t have a proud Canadian Corporate Champion.

Me: I’d rather you didn’t give them the money. Couldn’t it have gone to arts groups? A fraction of that funding would have supported dozens of groups across the country. I thought you were in favour of that sort of spending?

Ignatieff: Okay here’s the deal, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I might talk a lot about the $17 billion the Tories are planning to spend on jet fighters but let’s face it if there’s a Democrat in the White House and he (or she) wants a big defense contract from Canada, well we’re going to give it to them.

Me: And arts groups?

Ignatieff: The thing about arts groups in Canada is…well it’s not London let me tell you. I mean that’s theatre, and then there’s the Tate Modern, plus there’s all of those great BBC programs. Did you know I used to work for the BBC, yes I was quite the celebrity back in London town in those days let me tell you. Why I remember the time Martin Amis and I were in Bloomsbury and…

Me: So you’re saying Canadian arts groups are undeserving of support because they don’t measure up to their better-funded colleagues in England and America? Isn’t that why so many talented Canadians end up in the U.S or the U.K?

Ignatieff: Hey I went to the U.K and the U.S and it did wonders for my career. Back when I was writing for the New York Times they used to call me a latter day Hildy Johnson and…

Me: So now that you want to lead Canada what are you going to do for Canadians? That is besides give our money to Canadian Corporate Champions just like the present government is doing?

Ignatieff: A thousand points of light.

Me: Excuse me?

Ignatieff: Sorry someone used that one already. Uh…oh yeah The Big Red Tent that’s what we offer, come into The Big Red Tent, there will be milk and cookies.

Me: That’s your policy, come into the big red tent?

Ignatieff: Don’t knock it, I’ve said that at 102 stops so far and it’s always a crowd pleaser. 

Me: But what does that even mean?

Ignatieff: We’ve got something for everyone, the left, the right, the Greens, the keen on Jesus crowd, the law and order crowd, the progressives (yeah I know we’re still trying to figure that one out, but really if you just say, ‘progressive, it seems to cover it.) 

Me: How can you possibly appease all those disparate groups?

Ignatieff: It’s a big tent. Oh, and it’s got a strong foundation.

Me: Still means nothing.

Ignatieff: Perhaps but we've discovered 90% of Canadians only care about how much money they'll keep after taxes and if their savings are secure, so that doesn't give us a lot of wedge issues.

Me: So you're going to campaign as Tory Lite, or possibly NDP Lite in Toronto?

Ignatieff: That's about the size of it.

Me: It is, you know, kind of cynical.

Iganatieff: It's that sort of world. It's a tough world, it's a rough and tumble world. Back when I was reporting from Afghanistan I saw how brutal it could be and that stays with you, let me tell you. Back then I was known as Kabul Iggy. I remember how all of us hardened war correspondents would gather around 6 pm for cocktails of bath tub gin and soviet vodka. A lot of times the others would change the location and forget to tell me but I always found them. They were always so happy to see me they could barely speak. Then we would share stories about our various experiences in country, that's how we would refer to it, in country. I told a lot of those stories because I've just got a knack for observation (I've written 17 bestsellers you know). At any rate they would listen attentively while I gave them my perspective on the war. Like this one time...  

Can evil be stopped?

So you think you can stop Gordon Campbell? Can you stop evil? Of course you can’t, not the really pure concentrated kind that we’re talking about here. But we stopped Hitler (I imagine some of you are saying, whilst the others are rolling your eyes going, oh not the Nazis again). Yes we did stop Hitler, but it took billions of dollars and cost millions of lives, so that option isn’t really available to us.

And to the eye rollers who are (again I imagine) asking why I have to keep bringing up the over the top Nazis comparisons and why I have to keep picking on poor little Gordon Campbell. Well I’ll tell you why because he’s financing the province out of deficit on the backs of small business and middle class families so he can give the five or six corporations who pay his bills a break.

Not Nazism by any stretch or even of nearly equitable evil, but still pretty darn loathsome.

And Campbell continues to add to his inherent loathsomeness by acting indignant whenever he is criticized for his economic policies. 

He proclaims loudly to anyone still listening (I do…purely for amusement) that his government has set the province’s finances back on track. That’s actually true to a certain extent and it was only because he broke with the NDP policy of bribing us with our own money. Campbell has pulled off the neat trick of taxing us and then bribing the handful of corporations headed by his country club pals with our money; which if you think about it is a fairly audacious maneuver for someone usually portrayed as blander than white bread.

But like any Ponzi scheme eventually the house of cards collapses, and those at the top abscond with the funds, while the vast majority are left wondering what happened.

Campbell likes to refer to his government as the free market alternative to the NDP, but they are not. Granting monopolies and duopolies to a privileged few is no more free market than Glen Clark’s policy of handing everything over to three or four powerful unions.

Not too mention Campbell’s pandemic of corruption seems to be spreading as municipal governments figure, ‘what the hell everyone else is doing it why shouldn’t we join the gravy train?’ ‘Junkets to China at taxpayer expense, sure why not, it’s not like they really need new roads or play ground equipment.’

It’s not like we need arts spending or youth programs, those damn kids have to grow up sooner or later and let’s face it the smart ones will figure out how to get on the gravy train. The rest of course will have to pay, and pay and pay – a carbon tax here, H.S.T there and whatever new tax the Liberals come up with between now and 2013 to squeeze the last few pennies out of the majority to finance the few.

The Liberals are baffled as to why more people have signed the petition against the H.S.T. than voted for them in almost 30 ridings. Here’s the simple answer (and it is simple) they hate you.

People have just had enough. And after the multi-billion dollar Olympics, where we saw Campbell grinning and waving his mittened paws from his luxury box like a five-year old boy hopped up on cookie dough, people are wondering why they are being asked to pay for the premiere’s showcase.

Well the answer here is simple too, because the Liberals can get away with it. After 10 years of NDP mismanagement they’ve been able to coast on lingering mistrust of the Dippers, and so they’ve been able to line their pockets and those of their corporate pals with impunity.

Eventually the music has to stop and someone should be caught out. But sadly I’m not so sure that’s Campbell’s fate. As unjust as it is, his corruption has paid off enough people in high places that he will likely be able to retire to a six figure consulting ‘job’ as is political career winds (slowly) to a halt.

Unfair and doubling insulting is that the rest of us will be paying for it in the tax breaks and subsidies granted to the aforementioned corporate friends of Campbell.

 

It's going to be that sort of decade.

It’s been one of those years, and since it’s a new decade as of January 1, we can (if we want to stretch it) say it’s been one of those decades.

What’s strange is most decades take a year or two (or longer) to get into their own groove, to establish their own identity so to speak. For instance the Nineties didn’t really feel like the Nineties until Grunge burst on the scene around 1992. The Aughts didn’t feel any different from the Nineties until 9/11. And the Sixties, well ask any Boomer, the Sixties began sometime in 1966 and ended with Watergate.

But the Teens have their own distinct feel right off the bat; this decade feels less hopeful. Or more realistic if you prefer; it’s the cynical decade, it’s the decade that stands over your shoulder and goes, ‘see, I told you so.’

Yes it’s promising to be one annoying decade; unless you are a cynic (yeah I know we all are to some degree, but some elevate it above a hobby to Life Path). If you are one of those people this could be your time to shine or to be shunned for embodying the times so perfectly and just generally being you old super annoying self.

Oh why do I despair so for the coming decade you ask? Well let’s look at the obvious answers first, two words – Gordon Campbell. Okay true he’ll either be turfed from office in 2013 or stabbed in the back 36 times sometime before that, but just the same, he could bring in a few more taxes in the interim.

As well he’ll be able to gut arts funding (yes there’s still more to gut) even more by the time we finally see the last of him (and counting the minutes till he’s gone isn’t much fun either.)

‘But he’s just added $10 million to arts funding,” I hear some of you say. And whoever you are you are idiots. He’s taken $10 million in existing arts funding and put it towards Spirit Festivals, these are corporate friendly arts ‘events’ designed to keep all of us thinking about the Olympics or as they put it, “reliving the Olympic experience.”  The experience that is through sanitized ‘family friendly’ arts events designed to make us feel good about, oh I don’t know, important things I suppose, like wireless service and text messaging.

True I did have fun during the Olympics, but that had much more to do with drinking and having sex with young German tourists (okay it was really just that one) going through their experimental phase than it did Olympic spirit.

So we’ve got that to look forward to and in the meantime there’s no arts funding available to go towards arts groups that might give us some relief from Goebbels’ propaganda push. Wait did I say Goebbels Sorry I didn’t mean to compare the premier to Hitler’s minister of public enlightenment, sometimes Campbell and Goebbels are easily misspelled.

‘The Nazis, you’re bringing out the Nazi comparisons?’ No doubt some of you are screaming, and if you are stop it, you’re scaring the children. Yes Nazi comparisons are by their very nature over the top, but hey sometimes you gotta get people’s attention.

‘Well what else have you got besides Campbell, because you’ve already flogged that one to death?’ That’s what the more sensible amongst you are asking by now (you see you’re cynical you embrace the age).  And you are right, we can’t lay everything at the premier’s feet. In the decade to come there will be others who are destined to become even more blame worthy (like I said it’s just going to be that sort of time).

In the meantime we have Marc Emory doing time in a US jail for offences that are basically legal in the state of California.

We have the BP oil spill.

We have Mel Gibson.

We have a show called ‘The Hills’ that people apparently watch for entertainment purposes.

And lest I forget we have the H.S.T, yay Teens!

‘Then what should we do, slit our wrists now and save ourselves 10 years of misery?’ Don’t be an idiot only young women getting over heartbreak and bad poets (Sylvia Plath didn’t slit her wrists) resort to such measures and the two are basically the same person anyway.

What to do? Do nothing, don’t worry, don’t panic, definitely drink more, if possible have more sex and whatever you do don’t forget your towel (thank you Douglas Adams). You can’t really do anything else other than make the best of a bad situation, lame perhaps but true. As someone once said, “if life gives you lemons, paint that shit GOLD!”

The unstoppable VanZalm machine

The unstoppable Vanderzalm machine is rolling through Vancouver this week and The Zalm is out to do some Zalmdamage to the Liberals and their despised H.S.T as his supporters grow and the Zalm grows ever closer to steamrolling over the corrupt Liberal regime in Victoria.

That’s how the press release should read if anyone cared to ask me but of course nobody did…fools.

Yes no one likes Campbell and everyone detests the H.S.T but the main thing here is that the person who started the province wide rally against both, former premier Bill Vanderzalm, should make the most out of his exciting last name.

He has a V and a Z in his surname, alone those are powerful sounding consonants but together – Vandamage!

Sigh, apparently no one else is as excited about hard consonants as I am, but they should be, because Vanderzalm, believe or not, is gathering significant support as people can’t help but flock to his no nonsense populism, especially when compared to the dual automatons Carole James and Gordon Campbell.

Campbell is currently 18 points down in the polls but by all accounts completely nonplussed by those numbers. Most mainstream media outlets put it down to his hubris based on three previous election victories, but those of us with an ear to the ground believe it is more likely a result of the premier’s growing Imbutain addiction.

So in the grasp of the rare South American pain killer/hallucinogenic Campbell is, according to some accounts, delusional and out of touch with reality. He has, so the rumour goes, taken to calling midnight cabinet/prayer meetings and has even flirted with the idea of changing his name to Amour De Cosmos (Lover of the Universe).

Oddly enough, or perhaps not, most people would be more likely to vote for Amour De Cosmos than Campbell, so his handlers should encourage the name change not dissuade him.

Well politics in B.C are interesting if nothing else, many of my Ontario friends, which is pretty much all of them (all two), always ask what makes B.C politics so wacky, so goofy, so completely out there and why do we vote for these people?

Yes there is a tone of superiority from my Upper Canada friends who have migrated to B.C, apparently so they can constantly remind us how much better things are in Ontario. They prefer the central Canada approach to politics, electing an unexpressive and unemotional premier who resembles a marble statue of all previous premiers (and in one case it actually was a statue, apparently they lost track), about once every 10 years, who does what all the rest have done and so on and so forth.

“It’s boring but at least it’s predictable,” they say. What’s so great about boring and predictable? I’m looking forward to the last days of the Campbell regime as the legions of VanZalmer supporters storm the Fuhrer Bunker underneath the legislature building, who knows what crazy last minute edicts Campbell will issue.

Of course that’s supposing his alleged Imbutain addiction won’t get the best of him before 2013 and there will still be a Campbell to kick around. You see that’s the problem, you never realize how much you miss someone until they’re gone. And when Campbell is banished from public life to quietly snort rails of Imbutain in between drinks on the cocktail circuit, we’ll miss him…yes we’ll miss ridiculing him, but there will never be a better and more deserving target of our ridicule, sigh, all good things do come to an end.

  

How I saved Burton Cummings life

So Burton Cummings was in town this past weekend, and, yeah, I admit it he was here to see me. But why, why, oh why would one of Canada’s greatest musicians, second probably only to Ann Murray, come to Squamish to see you? I imagine some of the less credulous among you are asking. Well let me tell you why, my skeptical friends: I don’t generally like to blow my own horn, but I once saved Burton Cummings’ life.

It was the summer of ’01 and Burton was in Vancouver commiserating with Randy Bachman over the latest Guess Who comeback-tour debacle (people had been expecting Lenny Kravitz to sing ‘American Woman’). Anyway, at one point Cummings decided he needed to go out into the wilderness to, ‘clear his head,’ so he headed off into the trails on the North Shore mountains. Now it may come as a surprise to many of you who know me as a debonair man about town, the person with his hand on the pulse of the cognoscenti, the trendsetting, style maker that I am today, however at that point in my life I was going through my hermit/mountain man phase, and was living in a small hut on Hollyburn Mountain (on a side note, this living off the land, getting back to nature stuff is highly overrated). So there I was, sitting outside my little shack underneath a giant Douglas Fir trying to keep down my latest backcountry culinary creation (moss à la tree bark, sprinkled with a soupcon of wild mushroom stems that may or may not have been poisonous), when I heard melodious cries for help.

I instantly thought  to myself, Why, that sounds like Burton Cummings and he’s in trouble! Off I sprinted, grabbing my favourite walking stick and cap made entirely of hand-woven pinecones, in search of the yelling that sounded like a cross between late Jimmy Hendrix and early Robert Plant.

It wasn’t long before I came across Order of Canada recipient Cummings and found him face to face with an angry black bear who was clearly intent on tearing Canada’s most cherished rocker since Neil Young from limb to limb.

Apparently Cummings had made the mistake of taking along his own trail energy concoction, an unusual mix of fresh berry compote and honey preserved in fish oils. This concoction, besides being completely nauseating to 99.9% of the rest of the human population, is also an elixir to bears of all species and they will do almost anything to get their hands on it; lie, cheat, steal, trick you into a crooked game of three card monte, and if all else fails they will simply take it by force.

This was the stage Cummings was at with his bear adversary, who had already failed with the old bait and switch con (one thing I learned from backcountry living is that under no circumstances should you trust a bear).

Fortunately I arrived on the scene in the nick of time, and before the bear could lunge and take out the six-time platinum and Grammy award winner recording artist, I did the only thing that will stop any bear anywhere in his tracks: in my tremulous baritone I began to sing ‘Snowbird,’ by Ann Murray, which first froze the advancing bear in his tracks and then sent him running for cover.

Cummings was so impressed he said he would be forever in my debt, “and I don’t even like Ann Murray,” he added.

So yeah, he came by to hang out and talk about old times and ask my advice on future records. Although, to be honest, I really don’t know a lot about the music industry and between you and me I always thought Bachman Turner Overdrive was a better band than the Guess Who. Come to think of it, why the hell couldn’t it have been Randy who needed to, ‘clear his head’?

Oh well…wait did I ever tell you about the time I got drunk with Randy Bachman at the 2004 Juno Awards in Winnipeg? It went like this, I was in my jazz flute phase and Bachman walked into this bar…

The mighty Zalm!

Well I warned you he would be back someday and now he’s here in all his fuaxtanned, fantastic glory – it’s former premier Bill Vander ‘The Zalm’ Vanderzalm and his new cause célèbre that has vaulted The Zalm back into the political stratosphere, well maybe not stratosphere but we’ll give him troposphere. It’s all due to his not so quiet revolution to recall the H.S.T legislation, and the movement is gaining ground and crossing party lines since NDPers who realize Carole James is only popular when compared to Campbell and even then it’s close, are shrugging their shoulders and deciding, what the hell, it can’t hurt to try and ride The Zalm’s coattails and see where this goes.

Where it goes, as I’ve been saying for years if anyone cared to listen, is Campbell running to a waiting helicopter on the legislature’s front lawn, solo since Mrs. Campbell gave up on him years ago, and waving his red Olympic mittened hands before flying off into the sunset amid general cheering, that is except for the shattered Liberal party he’ll leave behind.

Vanderzalm of course hopes to revive the fortunes of the long marginalized B.C Conservative Party through his H.S.T revolution. But say in the unlikely event he is successful (don’t get me wrong I wish him success, but…) what would Vanderzalm bring to the table besides revoking the H.S.T?

Well  it’s almost a certainty he would bring in legislation banning Asian realtors who wear loud hats (for all of you Ontario immigrants that’s a reference to…oh just look it up I can’t explain everything.)

He would bring back the grizzly hunt, which would be unpopular with the environmental crowd but hugely popular with the blood thirsty Norman crowd who currently have to let their cross bows and Mastiffs sit idle while the great beasts roam the country side terrorizing innocent berry pickers (so he would get the berry picker vote as well). Yes that Vanderzalm knows the political culture of B.C like no other.

Also on the plus side Vanderzalm would pledge to be a true free market leader, not just free markets for his four buddies at the golf club, which isn’t really a free market, however the last time someone tried to explain this to Campbell he had a temper tantrum and had to be put on the punishment step until he could be civil again.

Vanderzalm, so it’s been reported has also changed his attitudes towards the gay and lesbian community since his last tenure as premier and apparently he now has no problem with their right to exist, as long as they go to Mass.

So where does all of this leave Carole James, who is now caught between sniping at the hapless Campbell and trying to ignore the rising popularity of Vanderzalm.

“Damn, couldn’t someone put the stake back in his heart,” she might be thinking (oh come on that’s not that much of a stretch.)

For one brief shining moment James, the most unlikely person ever to have a chance at being elected premier since Amour Des Cosmos, had a shot at being elected premier. Now she has to decide, attack Campbell for bringing in the H.S.T and attack Vanderzalm for fighting the H.S.T or doing nothing and hoping the electorate don’t notice come 2013. My advice to James take the George Costanza route, the less you do the better off you’ll be. But still, she’s up against the mighty Zalm personality and just watch, once it gets fired up it’s fantastic (to Ontario immigrants, you see Zalm had this thing where he always said…ah nevermind.)

What would Jesus do?

Easter is here again and it’s open season on bunnies. Actually it’s not, except in Australia, where it’s time for the great Easter rabbit hunt. Well it’s always great rabbit hunt time in Australia, but at Easter everyone wears colourful hats while blasting away at the fast-breeding rodents, who have no natural predators in the land Down Under.

Why can’t we have a proper Easter hunt? Why does it have to be about finding chocolate eggs? To my mind, arming eight year-olds with 12-gauges and letting them blast away is far more entertaining than watching them crawl around local parks looking for treats. Also, hunting small furry animals teaches them valuable life lessons, like, for instance, that double-ought buckshot is lethal at short range, but can really only wound someone at 40 yards.

However, if you feel that firearms are somehow ‘unCanadian’, then let’s arm those kiddies with clubs and do it the old-fashioned way (old-fashioned being the commonly accepted colloquial term for Neolithic). Really, it’s about time we got back to our hunter-gatherer roots—returning to our earthy origins is the perfect tonic for these modern times. That is, as long as I have an electric range to come home to, so I can cook up a little roast bunny . . . not to mention a plasma screen TV to watch the video replay of all the blood sport fun . . .

Okay, yes, I know, Easter is really a religious holiday and the whole bunny thing is just a side show to keep children busy while the rest of us drink Jack Daniels from a flask and try to stay awake through the requisite sermon on how Jesus died for our sins. (Helpful hint – don’t drink Jack through a straw.)

Personally, I think Jesus would be down with bringing a little more levity to the situation. “Yes, I’m dead, and you’re all pretty bummed, but go out and have some fun, revel in the fact that you’re still alive, and if you happen to have a significant other go breed like bunnies.”

Unlikely, you say? Perhaps (and yes, I realize I’ve just made the Catholic hit list) but I’ve never been a fan of the vengeful God theory or the massive guilt trip thing. Jesus seemed like a pretty live-and-let-live guy, so what’s with all the fire and brimstone undertaken in his name? I think he would have preferred that we drink, eat and be merry, as long as we didn’t impinge on anyone else’s eating, drinking and being merry and that we took some time to make sure others less fortunate were also able to take part in the eating, drinking and merry-making.

I’ll concede he probably wouldn’t be a big fan of hunting small animals with clubs. But I’d be willing to forgo the entertainment of mixing blood sport with childish innocence if it meant less sermonizing and images of Jesus being whipped by Roman legionnaires (now there were guys who put the blood into bloodsport), and more reveling in the joys of the world.

Ann Coltour wins!

So some career bureaucrat at the University of Ottawa hears that right-wing firebrand Ann Coltour is coming to talk at the university and all of a sudden he’s all a tremble, ‘goodness gracious, oh what should I do?’ He likely thought, and then it came to him, ‘aha, I shall write a strongly worded missive telling her that some of her, ahem comments, are not allowed here in Canada…well maybe not too strong a missive that might be seen as provocative, but I’m fairly certain she can’t just come here and say what she wants, that can’t be allowed can it? This is Canada after all.”

We have to pity poor Mr. Houle, imagine the tortured process his tiny institutional brain had to go through in telling Ms. Coltour she didn’t have the right to free speech in a country that supposedly has free speech guarantees in its constitution.

The result, oh so predictable, is a media frenzy over the talk Coltour was scheduled to give and following its cancellation a sold out talk at a much larger venue in Calgary followed

Some commentators on CBC argued that in fact Coltour and organizers were planning on exactly this result. Doubtful actually, but her detractors certainly did everything possible to add to her fame and success, while embarrassing Canada.

Yes embarrassing Canada – we created an international press event over telling someone to watch what you say because us Canadians are like really sensitive and easily shocked. Instead of just letting Coltour talk or rant that is and shrug off her hyperbole as just that, we told the world we are intolerant of any view point outside of the narrow parameters of Ottawa minions, whose worldview is limited to the humanities course they took in their first year at Carlton.

What is scary is not that we get upset at Coltour for being politically incorrect, but that many commentating on CBC’s website believe in limited free speech, at least one person argued she be arrested if she did speak. How easily we’re all willing to give up basic civil rights just to make sure nothing makes us uncomfortable.

On the Jian Ghomeshi one women, who in his introduction Ghomeshi announced was a veteran advocate of free speech and civil rights in Canada, apparently doesn’t feel that civil rights extend to people who make her feel icky.

Sigh, if that’s who we have defending civil rights in Canada, why do we bother with civil rights, since it’s pretty clear we’re ready to surrender them the first chance we get in the name of…well, really just in the name of mindless, soulless, but still no less tyrannical bureaucratese.

Spring - the underachieving season

Well the first weekend of spring has come and gone and  we now feel...nothing really, it's spring, it's the most unspectacular season of them all. But Alan, you say, we've cast off winter, the trees are in bloom, love is in the air, to which I say, the last two months of winter and the first two months of spring are pretty much indistinguishable from each other, the trees are not in bloom and seriously what are you on?

You might also say that fall or autumn (as our English friends like to say, and if you say fall they roll their eyes and pretend not to understand you) is the same as spring, just a warm-up for winter as spring is a warm-up for summer (although it doesn't warm-up nearly fast enough). But you are wrong, fall is distinctly fall, the kids go back to school, the leaves change colour and the air becomes nippier. So what happens in spring? Well let's review, three weeks ago it was winter, it was chilly and raining, a few trees were valiantly trying to sprout buds and we were all wishing summer would hurry up and get here. And now that it's officially 'spring' what's changed? That's right not a thing.

Oh sure a few science nerds stayed up late on Sat night and balanced eggs on end at the precise moment of the equinox, hurrah, but that's about it for any meaningful signs of change in the air. 

Although I suppose we should be happy since as the saying goes March comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, but here on the Westcoast it comes in like a soggy kitten and leaves as a slightly less soggy kitten. 

Unlike Mongolia for instance where it comes in like a three-humped camel and leaves like a...what's that?...did I? Well I've just been informed I did that bit last year, so there you have it spring is so uninspiring that I can't even be bothered to come up with new material, a big disappointment I'm sure to my millions of fans, but don't blame me, blame the season.

Those poor giant corporations might now have to compete

It's a common refrain in Canada that we can't sell off our national champions, apparently these bloated corporate giants are so important to not only the Canadian economy but our national identity that these dinosaurs of industry must be kept on life support at all costs.

Personally I never got that, frankly I think I could still feel patriotic and pay ten times less in wireless charges to Verizon rather than pay through the nose to Telus. 

But they say (and they are the usual collection of editorial writers from Canada's national newspapers that are themselves dinosaurs) we will be 'hollowing out' corporate Canada, so if I follow their logic (and I use that term loosely in this regard) we should use tax dollars (if need be) to support industry that can't compete so we can pay more for services that could be provided cheaper and more efficiently if we allowed open competition because if we allowed billions of dollars to flow into the country that would kill jobs? 

Right because that's what usually happens when billions of dollars are invested, it kills jobs. That would mean of course that the federal government's stimulus spending is a job killer. Well no, since that's government money, which means no quantifiable results were required in return for their investment and most importantly of all no executives at Rogers Telecommunications lost their jobs for incompetence. 

I single out Rogers because it was a Rogers spokesperson that commented recently on the need to preserve Canada's happy little corporate club of media giants so they can all continue to make wads of cash and dine out on expense account (no that's not quite how he put it). 

Somehow I don't think the corporate giants asking for government protection are really that worried about Canada's national identity and I'm pretty sure they realize the rest of us, outside of the MPs they bribe and the useful idiots at the Globe and Mail and Toronto Star, don't care about 'national champions,' when it comes to who we buy cable/wireless service from or where we buy books. 

As we've seen here in B.C with Premier Gordon lapdog Campbell, preserving monopolies for his corporate pals might be good for their bottom line but it hasn't done much for the economy. But of course the answer is not free enterprise and an open market; no the answer for Campbell is apparently to tax small businesses to death and slash healthcare spending so his 'corporate champions' can continue to pay their bar bill at the country club. Doesn't that just make you break out in patriotic fervor?      

King of the World now looking for work

So James Cameron, a.k.a ‘King of the World’ got bitch slapped (figuratively speaking) by his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow who took home the Best Picture Oscar and Best Director Oscar for her film ‘Hurt Locker’ (the first time for a female director in 82 years). It was a tough loss for Cameron who had reportedly planned to crown himself ‘King of the Universe’ in his Oscar acceptance speech and then add, ‘so that means I like totally own all your asses.’

Fortunately the tyrant was sent packing and Cameron was forced to curb his desire for world domination, force a smile and was heard to mumble something to the effect, ‘she won? That bitc…I mean good for her.’

To add insult to injury many people commented on how much older Cameron looked than Bigelow, who is actually three years older than him – seriously have you seen this woman, she’s 58 and looks 38, what is she taking?

In other world domination news Premier Gordon Campbell (you knew it was only a matter of time until I got around to him again) has decided that since the Olympics produced such joyous outbursts from the local populace all holidays will now be Olympic themed, starting with Easter, which will now be known as ‘Olympic Bunny Hop Day.’

The premier will also create an entirely new ministry to oversea the conversion of all holidays (stat and non-stat, and yes that includes Ground Hog Day) into Olympic themed days; the ministry will be called the Ministry of Love. When informed that Ministry of Love was the same name as the nefarious centre for torture and mind control of a totalitarian state as portrayed in George Orwell’s book 1984 apparently the premier’s response was, “cool.” That is until some, somewhat more astute underling realized that wasn’t cool and the premier was forced to back down from his Ministry of Love proposal. And in fact the IOC is, as rumour has it, threatened legal action against the province over the Olympic themed holiday idea. So the premier is once again batting .000 percent on accomplishing anything constructive and he is still plagued by rumours of imbutain addiction. I mean really, just look at the guy, the maniacal looks, the delusions, the constant self-aggrandizement and the imaginary friends (some of whom are now actually on the provincial payroll) and it’s pretty clear…well it’s pretty clear he’s acting the way he’s always acted but I’m still putting it down to imbutain addiction.

Is it possible Campbell will do to the Liberal Party of BC what Bill Vanderzalm did to the Socreds? (For all of you Ontario residents that was the old Social Credit Party).

Insiders say it’s definitely starting to look that way and are considering the Ides of March as the ideal time to put the premier out of his misery (figuratively speaking) and bring in a new leader. If it does happen hopefully someone will be nearby to record the premier muttering “et tu Hansen?” as he is knifed 15 times (figuratively speaking) in the back on the steps of the provincial legislature.

Meanwhile Vanderzalm himself has risen Lazarus like from the graveyard of disgraced politicians on the strength of his recall petition on the dreaded H.S.T.  If the idea gets legs perhaps Vanderzalm will ride a wave of grassroots support back to the legislature – farfetched? Perhaps, but then again Campbell has been elected premier twice, true he was up against Carole James, but still…

Ground hog sacked!

The famed ground hog Pawksatawny Phil will be predicting early springs no more, the charming rodent who has thrilled millions over the years has officially been given his walking papers.
Organizers of the original Ground Hog Day say the move was in the works for the last couple of years but the last straw was Phil's complete miscue on this year's Spring. "He said it was going to be a long brutal winter and meanwhile we're walking around in T-shirts and shorts, he just doesn't care anymore," said a source close to the celebrity ground hog. As well there have been rumours that fame has gone increasingly to Phil's head and his demands have become ever more outlandish.
"I really object to that I had a few requests and let's face it I'm the star of this little production so what's wrong with getting a few perks," said Phil.
Perks are one thing but organizers said Phil once requested a bowl of red M&Ms only to discover he was colour blind, which then blamed on his assistant and demanded she fired. "Oh that," said Phil, "Well look it wasn't about the M&Ms she kept hounding me for autographs for her friends and asking me if she could join me at parties, so as usual there's more to the story than the press reports.
What about a rumoured drinking problem?
"Drinking problem, is it wrong to want to start the day with a little of the good stuff, I mean it's cold here some mornings and sometimes I need a little more than coffee to get my game face on, if you know what I mean."
"Oh it went far beyond that," said the same unidentified source. "It got to the point where he wouldn't do anything until he had a cocktail in his hand. We told him he couldn't come out in front of the cameras this year with a martini in one hand and he threw a temper tantrum."
So what's next for Pawksatawny Phil now that his weather predicting days are over.
"Me, don't worry about me, my agents already fielding offers and I'm going to the Oscars with Madonna. Are any of these yokels going to the Oscars with Madonna, no they are not."
Perhaps to demonstrate that he does still have what it takes, Phil is predicting a long hot summer.

The ugly Candian

No that Canada has cleaned up in the Olympics winning a record number of medals commentators south of the border and of course as usual the stuffy brits across the Atlantic are now referring to us as the ugly Canadians. Allow me to pause here while I fall down on my back and laugh heartily...there that's better, the  hypocrisy here is so broad and so deep, where does one begin?
Well you don't and if the Brits win the World Cup this year (it could happen) we'll be seeing the ugly Englishman in all hi lager chugging, bad teeth and poor hygiene glory. And it won't be long before the Americans do something that we're all supposed to be proud of, like invent a way to text underwater or something and they'll be back to their flag waving ways, what am I saying, they never stopped, they're just chuffed we out did them in the flag waving category - which if you get right down to it is just unAmerican.
Actually what's really annoying is the handwringing that goes on here in Canada. Most of it emanates from Toronto, and features columnists from the Globe and Mail preaching about the awful unCanadianess of being proud of one's country.
Apparently they feel gold medal wins should be celebrated with polite golf claps followed by encouraging comments to our worthy opponents, not screaming and yelling and gasp flag waving, not to mention, horror or horrors 18 year-old women drinking beer!
To Toronto media all this out burst of emotion is, well, too American, to that I say, you didn't get the Olympics now get over it...and the CN Tower is no longer the tallest free standing structure in the world, so there, now I'm going to go wave my flag.  

Canada: the new cool

It used to be that Canadians picked up on American trends usually six months to a year after they had already become the cool new thing in the U.S.
It was endlessly frustrating growing up, trips south were always met with derisive comments from American kids that almost invariably went, "you guys are still into that?" Of course I wasn't about to reveal that we had just gotten into "that" and it was all the rage, no at least I had the sense to respond with a modicum of indifference that my prized Star wars T-shirt was some old thing I was wearing because we were on vacation. "But it looks kinda new," some smart ass would always chime in and since I was only ten I'd pretty much used up my store of good comebacks.
But now the worm has turned at last! When American tourists show up this summer wearing those red Olympic mittens (yes they will wear them in the summer, they're Americans they think we live in igloos) the ones people were lining up at 5 am to purchase, I can finally say, "wow you guys are still into that? Plus it's 30 degrees out, what's with the mittens?

Go ahead give them a cuddle

How high is anti-American sentiment running right now? Surprisingly not that high, actually lower than usual, using my own unique social barometer, and I put it down to Olympic spirit, which has the city of Vancouver and surrounding regions in the grip of some sort of love-in.

But our rivalry with our neighbours to the south, good-natured or not, is never far from the surface and it may yet raise its ugly head again. Still in the international sprit of the just ended Olympics I feel we should take a moment to look at other big brother/little brother country rivalries around the world. First and foremost is Australia/New Zealand, think we sometimes find Americans objectionable? Well listen to how one New Zealander describes Australians. “Take American self-centeredness, insularity, pomposity, self-delusional grandiosity and lack of an ounce of self-awareness, multiply it by a 100 and you have an Australian.”

Ouch – personally I never thought Australians were quite that bad, but then I also think Koala bears are cute, to which my Kiwi friend quickly disabused me of. “Koala bears are anything but cute, they’re vicious man-eating killers and that’s part of the problem with Australia they don’t tell people about the dangers lurking in their own country, like Koala bears…did I mention they’re killers…I did, yeah well, like I say watch out for them. New Zealand on the other hand, well when’s the last time you ever heard of a vicious man eating lamb?”

Also it’s perhaps worth mentioning that Canada was recently dissed by Australian You Tube sensation Natalie Tran, who completely without provocation belittled the entire nation of Canada on her You Tube channel for our milk drinking habits. Apparently they only drink Kangaroo milk in Australia and milk from cows is considered barbaric, perhaps those Kiwis have a point.

Anyway as heated as the Australian/New Zealand rivalry is, there is also of course the long simmering and often violent English/Irish conflict. This one goes back centuries and as far as I can tell rests mainly on the English, who clearly have no sense of humour about anything as we have seen recently (for all of you Monty Python fans out there – it was 40 years ago get over it).

Actually just like the Australians Canada isn’t getting much respect from the motherland these days, so I think we should feel free to jump in with the Irish and deride the English for the bunch of stuck-up tossers we’ve always known them to be, but then I’m of Scottish descent so these sentiments come naturally to me.

Still maybe I am being a little harsh in indicting the entire country – it is mainly the Guardian newspaper that is leading the anti-Canadian charge and they clearly feel some jealousy that their quasi-socialist economy is fairing so poorly compared to our, somewhat less quasi-socialist economy.

And then there’s the Norwegians and the Swedes, and like so many of these rivalries it always, it’s not us it’s them, or as one Norwegian put it to me recently. “We like the Swedes, we really do, it’s just that there such underhanded slimy bastards about everything.” Yeah, clearly there’s a lot of love there. But the love goes both ways, my niece and nephew are half Swedish and they tell me they have nothing against the Norwegians, except, “they’re just so slow about everything, you can have better conversations with a dachshund.” Now that just seems completely unfair to me, since I’ve had conversations with both and I have to say unequivocally the Norwegians come out on top.

So to sum up, in the spirit of the Olympics, may I suggest, you turn to the nearest Australian, Pomm…I mean Brit, Swede and yes even our American friends, give them hug and say, “you know what, you’re alright.” They’ll then push you away and say, “who the hell are you?!” But you know the spirit will still be there and you’ll feel good about it. Unless of course we’re talking about Czechs and Slovaks…don’t even get me started about them.

It's all or nothing now

Canada versus USA has become the new hockey rivalry and it's already developed a rich history.
Some say its roots are in the 1991 Canada Cup when U.S D-man Gary Suter body checked Wayne Greztky out of the tournament. Well, perhaps, but it was still Russia that won the Cup. It was really the 1996 World Cup that got the rivalry started when Canada's aging champions couldn't figure out U.S goalie Mike Richter despite showering him with shots in game three of the three game final.
It was a heart breaking loss, but mostly it was a huge surprise, we were used to losing to the Russians, even the Czechs and possibly even the Swedes, but not the Yanks.
Because of Canada's longstanding big brother/little brother rivalry, losing to them at our game let's face it, rankled the most.
In 1998 at the Nagano Olympics Team Canada won something of a rematch, beating the U.S 4-1 in the preliminary round, before going on to lose to the Czechs in the semi-final.
Still it's not the same without all the money on the table, anyone can have a bad day, even elite athletes, but what counts is are they up for the big game? In 2002 Canada was granted another rematch, this time in the gold medal final at the Salt Lake City Olympics, we were playing the U.S in the final on their turf and we won a decisive 5-2 victory and brought Olympic gold in mens' hockey back to Canada for the first time in 50 years (what a long cold draught that was).
But we beat a team that was past its prime, Richter clearly wasn't the goalie he was in 96 and several other key forwards were a step or two slower. And in the intervening years between then and now we've seen a new corp of young American players develop, like the group that beat are boys in the final of the World Juniors (in Saskatchewan) this past winter, are first loss at the Juniors in five years, the previous loss being to, you guessed it the U.S.
So now were back to another gold medal showdown, only this time the U.S team isn't a run down tired group that have already had their glory. No its a pack of rising stars, led by probably the best management team ever assembled in hockey, Brian Burke and Ron Wilson, if anyone can mold a young team of talented stars into a cohesive powerhouse it's these two, plus they're riding hotter than hot goalie Ryan Miller.
One difference between 2002 and now that might be in Canada's favour is we played and lost to the U.S team in the prelims - conventional wisdom says that in sports you learn more from losing than winning. Lets hope Team Canada have studied that game and learn to anticipate every move from the fast American forwards and have found a chink in miller's armour. Never has a game of hockey meant so much for national pride, except possibly Game eight of the 1972 Summit Series. The U.S is trying to play the role of underdog but they are the only undefeated team in this tournament and they are riding high on a wave of confidence. Every player on Team Canada, as talented as they are, will have to play better than they have ever played before to be victorious today - on the plus side when  the chips are down have seen Team Canadas in the past do amazing things. This latest incarnation of Team Canada certainly has the spirit and the ability to continue the tradition, so now all we can say is - game on.

Russia v Canada - game or mythology?

Forget the crappy effects heavy Jerry Bruckheimer movie coming out this spring - Canada versus Russia is the real Clash of the Titans. The rivalry began with the Cold War, but when the wall came down the Soviets just became what we always knew them to be, hockey mad Russians and probably the only people on Earth who could really appreciate the ballet and brutality of hockey as we do.
In 1972, right here in Vancouver the Russians played Team Canada to a standstill, Canadian fans booed their own team and applauded the Russians for their mastery of puck control.
But that only ignited a flame under Team Canada, actually more than a flame, it was a conflagration that would soon ignite an entire nation as the Team Canada travelled to Moscow and did what everyone in Canada thought was impossible at that point, they won.
If you ever watch the old news clips of post game Phil Esposito (currently in a contest with Don Cherry for most patriotic Canadian) you don't see a man who has just been humiliated on home ice, you see a man possessed and one who knows that he will find a way to win whatever it takes.
Take that grit and determination and add Paul Henderson's near religious conviction that he would score the winning goals in the final two games (in Game 8 he banged on the boards for a shift change because with less than a minute left he had to get on the ice to score the game winner)  and you have the stuff of legend. That may seem a little over the top, especially for a confirmed cynic like myself, but watch the old 1970s Russia/Canada tilts and see the Bobby Orrs and Phil Espositos and Guy Lafleurs in all their sideburned glory and how they played the cold, exciting Russians in their uniquely Canadian style (and no style and Canadian is not an oxymoron) and you'll get a sense of how deep this rivalry truly is.

Colin Hansen not sure where the money went but what does it matter we're having fun

Speaking at a gathering of local small business owners and politicians at Canada House in Whistler, B.C. Minister of Finance and deputy premier Colin Hansen said sure the Olympics cost billions, and maybe it's not all accounted for, but hey wasn't it a hell of a party - or words to that effect.
He did receive a resounding applause and not to be outdone Squamish mayor Greg Gardner also got in on the backslapping and congratulations, however there were very few answers (few being zero) on what the post-Olymic economy would look like.

Tension mounts for Team Canada

Now that we're playing an additional qualifying game thanks to Miller's spectacular goaltending for Team USA and the spectacularly bad officiating a nation is holding its collective breath for the about to start Canada versus Germany game.
Can't lose? Well remember Sweden versus Belurus, Sweden thought they couldn't lose either and gave us a gift by sending Belurus to meet us in the semi-final game in 2002. No doubt Russia would like us to do them the same favour, hopefully Team Canada is going to wake up and realize it's for real now and play like it.
What happens if we lose, and I don't just mean this afternoon's game, I mean going forward (assuming we do go forward). That's the question no one wants to answer, losing in hockey on home ice is not supposed to be part of the script, as hard as winning is against some very impressive teams, Canadians still hope against hope that the tournament will turn around for Team Canada.
If all does go according to script, rest assured no one will be talking about Canada's low medal count anymore, we will be talking about the game - The Game, the gold medal final, well we better all start believing.

Brits and Guardian newspaper can't dampen Olympic spirit

The humourless Brits led by the Guardian newspaper continue to claim that the Vancouver Olympics are a disaster, perhaps their motives are to direct attention away from the pending disaster of London 2012, perhaps it's because they are too uptight to 'get' the way the Olympics are unfolding in Vancouver - namely spontaneous fun and celebration everywhere you look.
For example late Saturday night on a jam packed bus heading out from Whistler Village to the residential areas of Whistler, a Quebecois (she drove here all the way from Quebec City) bus driver kept the passengers laughing and cheering as she navigated the many speed bumps along the way. That is all the passengers except for two scowling Brits at the back (die hard Guardian readers no doubt).
Or Sunday afternoon on the Seabus heading into downtown Vancouver, when halfway across Burrard Inlet a man who had just received a text message, announced in heavily accented English that he needed everyone's attention so he could tell us that 'they' had just won gold in speed skating, we didn't know who 'they' were but just the same he was greeted with enthusiastic applause and cheers. He then added, "and Canada won silver," which of course brought more cheers and applause.
Scenes like those play out thousands of times a day during the Vancouver Olympics and they are why, despite the glitches, organizers claim these Games as the best ever.
Now that boast is admittedly a bit of a whopper - but such is the excitement in the air in Vancouver these days that it lends itself to such claims and it is why people continue to flock to downtown Vancouver even though it may take hours waiting in line for the Skytrain to do so, everyone wants to get in on the feeling.
Oh yes, except for the Brits, who are usually spotted sipping tea at the Hotel Vancouver and sniffing that, 'all these shenanigans just aren't on.'
We can hardly wait for the 2012 Games where excitement will be dutifully curtailed in the name of decorum and silence will be demanded on all public transit. In the meantime enjoy Vancouver's spirit while you can.

VANOC decrees we must all dress like it's winter

Well it's the Winter Olympics but the temperature is in the double digits, the sun is shining and if it was April we'd all be talking about what a great spring we're having.
VANOC has been taking a drubbing in the international media over the warm weather and how it has affected Olympic events, which is actually pretty unfair since despite whatever David Suzuki says VANOC does not control the weather.
Undaunted however VANOC has launched an innovative new campaign, they are calling on, actually demanding, that all locals do their part and dress as if it is in fact a traditional Canadian winter.
"If we just put on some parkas, mittens, scarves and a toque and think cold thoughts that will go along ways towards creating a 'winter atmosphere',"said a semi-official VANOC release. In an aside VANOC CEO John Furlong apparently added that a lot of the recent weather woes can just be put down to bad sportsmanship. He was unfortunately whisked away before anyone could get a clarification, but he may have murmured  something about, "those damn Brits."
Realizing that the winter weather clothing demand might not go over so well with the general populace, who are more comfortable in shorts, T-shirts and flip flops these days the RCMP announced they will hold for 'questioning' anyone not wearing clothing appropriate for a January in Winnipeg.

Canada wins nail biter against Swiss - nation sighs in relief

Canada versus Switzerland was supposed to be one of those doormat matches on the way to the elimination round, yes Canada actually lost to the Swiss team in Turino in 2006, but that didn't stop them from taking a lackadaisical approach to the game, at least in the first two periods.
Canada scored a quick goal on a Danny Heatly wrist shot, despite squandering an early power play opportunity.
They then played the rest of the period as if victory against the Swiss was all but assured and aside from Sidney Crosby and Jarome Iginla (both of whom played the entire game with the intensity of a Stanley Cup final) Team Canada made sloppy passes and allowed for defensive breakdowns that they seemed to just shrug off.
At the start of the second period Canada again scored in the opening seconds and it looked as if their uninspirational play would be enough against the Swiss side.
However the Swiss soon capitalized on Team Canada's lack of cohesion and brought the game to within one. They then battle Canada in their own zone for most of the period, peppering Martin Brodeur with shots, but Brodeur, fortunately for Team Canada was back in his old form and was able to stone the Swiss with a series of spectacular saves.
But with less than ten seconds left in the period the Swiss finally found the net and entered the third period tied 2-2. It was clearly a wake up call for Team Canada who came out and finally played with intensity for the next 20 minutes, cheered on by 18,000 rabid Canadians chanting themselves horse with cries of "go Canada go!"
Team Canada had a series of heartbreaking chances right up until the final seconds and the period ended in a tie, as did the five minute overtime, which had everyone on their feet while the Swiss goalie Hiller made his own series of spectacular saves to stone Team Canada.
So it was on to the shoot-out, usually the bane of North American players. Hiller and Brodeur each shut down the first three players from either team. And then it was Sidney Crosby's chance to improve his already growing legend and he didn't disappoint, putting a laser like wrist shot top shelf as Canada Hockey Place exploded in a patriotic frenzy. Brodeur did his part to finish up the drama and easily turned away the Swiss shooter, which again resulted in a frenzy of flag waving, but despite the cheering every Canadian present and every Canadian watching at home or in a bar were secretly breathing a sigh of relief that Canada didn't lose to Switzerland on home ice.

VANOC to buy carbon offsets

In an effort to continue to pretend these Olympics will be the greenest games ever VANOC announced this week, at a sparsely attended press conference, that they will buy carbon offsets.
The six reporters in the room stifled a collective yawn at the announcement and the VANOC spokesperson fearing she was losing her audience quickly added that VANOC still had about $50 -$60 million left in their contingency fund, so it was important they spend it or it might go back to the taxpayers or something.
So what sort of 'carbon offsets' does $60 million buy you? Apparently for that princely sum VANOC can write off all of the carbon emissions from their 2,000 plus SUVs, their flights around the world promoting the Games and anything else they didn't think to put in their press release but might yet come up. "It will be like they were never here," said one observer. "Think of the millions of lives it will save," said another man, who as it turned out wasn't their officially but was in fact stalking Vice President Joe Biden and got lost.
Of course the vast majority of sane individuals are asking, 'well what exactly are carbon credits?' And that's the great thing, they can be just about anything; plant some trees in your backyard, there's a carbon credit, use fluorescent lightbulbs - carbon credit, low flow toilets (we know that makes know sense even by carbon trading standards) yup, carbon credit. 'So does that mean I can sell VANOC carbon credits for being a socially responsible individual?' Some of you may be asking. I'm afraid not my unwashed, Birkenstock shod friend. Carbon credits are traded by large companies that only deal with other large companies or organizations and only deal with carbon credits on a vast scale, like for instance Canada's boreal forest. 'But that forest already exists!' You would be right to exclaim but it would be in vain, carbon traders don't see an already existing forest they see untapped carbon offsets that will make them millions. And VANOC...well are you surprised that a large government bureaucracy would spend millions of dollars on something that serves no discernable purpose, you are? You aren't also by chance stalking the Vice President?

Rumours of Premier's drug addiction spread

A rumour has started that Premier Gordon Campbell’s imbutain addiction is behind some of his recent strange behavior.

Recently the premier has claimed the Olympics will not be over budget, that there are no snow problems at Cypress and the H.S.T is good for small business – self-delusion and incoherent speech is, apparently, a sign of advanced imbutain addiction. What can we expect if the premier continues to decline to seek treatment for imbutain addiction, you may ask trembling at the thought that the premier already has a history of ‘self-medicating’ and is probably unlikely to seek treatment.

Which means he will likely become increasingly paranoid, delusional and monomaniacal – yes it will be difficult to differentiate the symptoms from his usual personality so we will have to watch closely for tell tale signs. For example if the premier insists on carting around his urine samples or if he insists that all incoming correspondence first be approved by his imaginary friend ‘Bob, the giant rabbit.’ Or if he stands atop the legislature building and screams, ‘I’m king of the world!’ Those are definite signs, although he may have already done that last one.

In the meantime former premier Bill Vanderzalm has launched an official recall petition to block the H.S.T (who says there are no second acts in politics, just look at Nixon…yeah I know no one cares about Nixon anymore, but he sounds like he was a lot more fun to make fun of than Campbell).

Vanderzalm may be getting a little long in the tooth to begin his political resurrection, but on the plus side there are no rumours of imbutain addiction circulating about him. Plus unlike Campbell and NDP leader Carole James Vanderzalm is clearly opposed to taxing the province into oblivion and…did we mention he’s free of imbutain addiction?

Actually the irony here is Campbell may be pulling a Vanderzalm, letting his shortcomings pull down the entire party, with Vanderzalm it was questionable real estate deals, with Campbell it’s a drug fueled imaginary bunny named Bob. Maybe the Liberals should rethink their choice for leader of the party before we all wake up to Vanderzalm saying, ‘hah, how do you like them apples!’ Or considering the above maybe we should get behind the Zalm and wish him well in his struggle against the powermad, drug addicted (allegedly) premier.

Fear and Loathing in BC: Olympic fever overtakes protesters

Fear and Loathing in BC: Olympic fever overtakes protesters

Is it wrong to win 18-0?

The Canadian women's hockey team annihilated the Slovack team last weekend and ever since there's been a lot of hand wringing about how wrong it is to win like that.
Well how should we win? By a one or two goal lead followed by a a tap on the back to their opponents and the acknowledgement that they played well?
But they didn't play well and the Canadian women don't want to pull back on a crucial training game in the short Olympic tournament, they want to play their best at all times and woe to their opponents if they're not up to it.
In the 1936 Olympic games the Canadian hockey team, which had won in 1920 (exhibition sport at the Summer Games), 1924, 1928 and 1932 had to face rule changes mid-tournanment. The IOC was determined to thwart another Canadian victory at the Olympics and allowed Canadian men serving in the British Army to join the British hockey team, they then forced onerous amateur qualifying standards on the Canadian team that they completely ignored for the European teams. It was actually Great Britain that won the Olympic gold medal in hockey in 1936 and it took until 1952 for the Trail Smoke Eaters (back then existing teams were selected to represent Canada at the tournament) to bring hockey Gold back to the motherland and then it took another 50 years for a Canadian team to repeat the feat, since the IOC refused to block so-called amateur European players, who were in fact often much better paid than NHL stars of the day.
So when the women beat Slovakia 18-0 I say good for them, and although the tournament will get harder and there are those out there who say were are compiling a Karmic debt that will have to be paid, the reality is it is Canada that is now reaping its Karmic pay back - and it's a bitch.

Olympic fever overtakes protesters

Perhaps it was bound to happen in what could be described as a variation of Stockholm Syndrome - Olympic protestors have now themselves succumbed to Olympic fever.
Downtown Vancouver this past weekend had the atmosphere of a giant carnival and the world's greatest block party rolled into one. Despite the crowds and long line-ups for the Sea Bus, West Coast Express and Skytrain most people remained in good spirits, supposedly unpatriotic Canadians were heard breaking into spontaneous renditions of O' Canada, volunteers in their distinctive blue jackets (the Smurf army) were cheered and the flags of visiting nations were given equal respect in the spirit of the Olympics and in keeping with the general mood of good cheer for all.
It certainly helped that the weather cooperated Sunday afternoon relieving the persistent Vancouver overcast and gloom.
Visitors to Vancouver may think the sparkling city on the Pacific Ocean is usually a bustling cosmopolitan metropolis - however as Vancouver advice columnist Alice Archer noted, "this is the Vancouver I always hoped could exist one day. The excitement, the vibe of living in a rich and diverse city with a cultural life that reflects that - that's not really Vancouver and never has been until now."
Despite having voted for the Olympics in 2002 Archer said she remained largely indifferent to the Games until now. "I'm glad they're here, I can't believe people left town to get away from the Games, why? You're never going to experience anything like this in your hometown again."
Which brings us to the Olympic protestors, engaged in running street battles with the police only the previous day, by Sunday they too had succumbed to Olympic fever.
"Everyone's just having too much fun," said one protestor who did not wished to be named. "We were just bumming everyone out and I have to admit now that there this is actually pretty cool...but don't tell anyone I said that."
Antifur protestors in front of the Vancouver did attempt a brief protest Sunday, parading naked along Robson street as Asian men filmed them (apparently they have a thing for overweight women with hairy armpits. But even they were undermined by a a five-year old Australian sheep dog named Buttercup, who amazed the crowd by doing handstands and barking out 'Waltzing Matilda.'
Several bystanders gave Buttercup a perfect '6' except one French tourists who gave her a '1.5.'
  

Wait in Starbucks and watch the world come in

With the Olympics in town Starbucks has become the great equalizer, you may not get invited to all of the so-called A list soirees (hey at least you won't get stuck in a corner talking with John Doyle) but eventually, it seems everyone needs their caffeine fix.
Sighted in the Starbucks in the Garibaldi Highlands between Vancouver and Whistler so far: The Governor General Michelle Jean and her entourage. Apparently she was polite, soft-spoken and patient as she waited for her large order, which she placed and paid for. Bob Kostas from NBC was a different story apparently. The diminutive broadcaster, rumour has it, skulked off to one side as one of his minions ordered an extra hot, non-caf, soya latte, which he then complained was too hot, and questioned whether it was in fact made with soya milk and added did local staff know what soya milk even was?
At Galileo Coffee House down the highway in Britannia Beach Sarah Mclaughlin and a friend came in and ordered the Canadiano (an Americano with maple syrup) she had never heard of such a concoction but she said she had heard maple syrup was good for a variety of common ailments such as, dropsy, the ague and skin failure.
She also bought a pound of fresh roasted coffee beans, after first enquiring about fair trade practices.
Down in Vancouver at the Starbucks in Gastown a local resident elbowed Russell Crowe out if the way when the movie star thought he should get the movie star treatment and go to the head of the line. When said resident asked Mister Superstar if he wanted to make something out of it, he allegely responded that know he was fine and demurely returned to the back of the line.
      

Canada poor sports for wanting to win

After spending upwards of $5 billion to host the Winter olympic Games apparently some commentators miss the good old days when we didn't win gold at home, but gee, we sure were all nice and stuff about losing.
Writing in the Globe and Mail John Doyle, the only Irishman on the planet who would choose Toronto over Boston or New York, says we shouldn't be focusing so much on the winners or winning in general, let's hear from the eighth or ninth place finishers and how it's just great to be able to be at the Olympics and all.
Wow, how completely underwhelming John, we imagine if the men's hockey team (God forbid) is knocked out in the quarter finals he'll 'treat' us to a column on how the boys played their hearts out and that's all we really care about.
Actually Canadians are not the uncompetitive lot those of us who don't get out enough would have us believe. Here on the West Coast where sports are much more a way of life than downtown Toronto, everyone knows that weekday group rides are never as friendly as they're made out to be and conversations at the top of the Grouse Grind (for those of us who do it regularly) almost invariably begin with, "so what was your time?"
We like to compete with the best of them and in the Olympics we'd like to see are elite athletes kick ass and fortunately for most of us they are elite athletes for a reason, they're deadly competitors and they want that gold.

Downhill cancelled again

Three training runs and the actual Women's Downhill twice has been cancelled, or postponed that is at the Whistler Creekside Alpine venue. Why? Because the track looked more like Shannon Falls in spring than an Olympic downhill run, and throw in a blanket of heavy fog and you have what's known as less than ideal conditions.
Actually the Dave Murray Downhill has a long history of weather induced cancellations or postponements.
Beginning with the first World Cup downhill to be run in Whistler in 1980, cancelled for lack of snow, through to the last few in the 1990s, variously, too much snow, fog, wind and rain. But this is the Olympics and there has to be a downhill and fortunately Mother Nature decided to play nice for a change and had the good grace to dump a few centimetres of snow on the course Saturday night and cleared the skies Sunday allowing for a few training runs before the race Monday.

It's not easy to spend a $billion afterall

Those of us living in the Sea to Sky Corridor were treated to the incesscent buzz of military aircraft flying overhead for most of the day - so why did they need to fly around and around for hours on end?
We asked a policeman in line at a local Starbucks (hey you can't fight terrorists without being properly caffeinated), his response, they were doing surveillance while the Olympic athletes were transported back and forth between Whistler and Vancouver for the opening ceremonies.
Well of course it's very likely the Al Qaeda mountain bike brigade was lurking in the hills above Squamish and that furthermore they would attack in broad daylight for the convenience of are flying forces, who couldn't navigate the narrow valley at night in the heavy overcast weather.
Actually, on second thought it's probably more likely someone at the Department of National Defense decided the Air Force could use a few training runs over mountainous terrain and what the hell VANOC's paying for it.
This reminds of the ill fated Springfield bear patrol, as jets screamed overhead and high tech surveillance vans prowled the streets Homer Simpson remarked, "well not a bear in sight the bear patrol must be working."
So in that same vein I would like to offer VANOC my magical anti-terrorist rock for the low, low price of $65,000. Does it even work? You ask. Well I've had it on my desk for years and I've never been bothered by any terrorists.

Schwarzenegger mobbed by 1,000 sad losers

So you're 35 and living in your parents basement, working at 7-11 and surviving on nacho cheese flavoured chips and root beer. The highlight of your week is the online forum of obsessive geeks (like yourself) who dissect the minutiae of the series Lost.
Then you read (online of course) that former action movie star and current governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger will be running the Olympic torch relay along the Stanley Park seawall - so what do you do? Well what any thirty-something arrested adolescent, with zero life prospects would do, you show up at 4 am and wait for the Terminator to come jogging along, so you can ask him,"Mr. Governor will you be back?"
"It's the moment of a lifetime," said one pasty faced, chubby fan, between lusty chews of his bear claw.
Unfortunately for him more than 1,000 other lonely, overweight Terminator fans also thought it was the chance of a lifetime. A CBC news report said almost all of them were males between the ages of 20-35 and few, if any looked if they had any meaningful interactions with a flesh and blood female (okay I made up that last part, but come on, we're all thinking it.)
four hours later they were still debating the best pop cultural reference to pose as a question to the California governor when he cam loping around the corner, with Premier/lap dog Gordon Campbell in tow.
Despite their almost complete lack of any sort of athletic ability or even coordination the lumbering mass of sweaty, chocolate milk stained men overcame the security cordon. One security guard had this to say about the sudden assault of grown men with absolutely no familiarity with personal hygiene waving Terminator and True Lies action figures at the passing superstar turned politician.
"The horror, the horror."
Campbell was overwhelmed in the ensuing melee, although the more nimble Californian governor escaped unharmed. As his guest trotted on ahead Premier Campbell made the best of  a bad situation.
"Hey isn't this great, what a turnout," said the premier in his most oleanginous manner, even while taking an elbow to the jaw from an obese man in a size xxxxxl sweatshirt holding a Predator poster that he so clearly, desperately wanted autographed.
But it wasn't to be, just as soon as he arrived Schwarzenegger was gone again, like the mythical unicorn lost in the mists.
To the assembled men it slowly dawned on them that their moment had passed, their date with destiny had come and gone and now all that was left was Elfquest and Warhammer. Although it wasn't all disappointment.
"hey did you see me nail Cambpell?" Exclaimed the rolly, polly fellow with the Predator poster, who had now produced a burrito from somewhere within the folds of his corpulence.
"Yeah that was cool, hey can I have a bite of that?" said his compatriot.

Driving and cell phones

Driving while talking on your cell phone is now illegal in B.C., actually it's driving and using a handheld device, so that means no texting, creating Ipod playlists or online shopping while driving either - great, what are we supposed to do just watch the road?
Actually as far as laws go this one isn't such a bad one (until I get caught that is) it's just that I think it will have little effect. I'm still just as likely to be rear ended by a teenager, who's too busy sending out Tweets to notice we've come to a red light.

Olympic crowds

Well it’s almost here and our worst fears may be realized – I am talking of course about the Olympics and the crowds that will prevent us from getting our morning takeout coffee in a timely and efficient manner.

Sure we’re all supposed to be ambassadors for our community and I’m all for that until it inconveniences me one iota, then it’s all about me. And listen you don’t want to get between me and my morning caffeine fix; unless you are prepared for a fight to the death. Furthermore don’t think that your adorable two-year old in the stroller will dissuade me either; children are not cute to me unless I have already had a couple shots of espresso and or a shot of bourbon (explains why I am rarely called on to babysit nieces and nephews). Actually children are rarely cute to me even after I’ve imbibed legal stimulants and or depressants (again, explains a few things).

So just to recap for all of those new visitors in town, when in line don’t ask me if it always rains here (for the record just eight months a year), don’t ask me if I know how to get to the Adventure Centre (if you can’t find it no amount of direction will help) and don’t ask me where you can get a good steak (I don’t want you bothering me again while I get my red meat fix).

We can all get along and peacefully coexist as long as all visitors follow this simple rule, don’t bother me. Okay, other than that welcome to Squamish.