What would Jesus do?

Easter is here again and it’s open season on bunnies. Actually it’s not, except in Australia, where it’s time for the great Easter rabbit hunt. Well it’s always great rabbit hunt time in Australia, but at Easter everyone wears colourful hats while blasting away at the fast-breeding rodents, who have no natural predators in the land Down Under.

Why can’t we have a proper Easter hunt? Why does it have to be about finding chocolate eggs? To my mind, arming eight year-olds with 12-gauges and letting them blast away is far more entertaining than watching them crawl around local parks looking for treats. Also, hunting small furry animals teaches them valuable life lessons, like, for instance, that double-ought buckshot is lethal at short range, but can really only wound someone at 40 yards.

However, if you feel that firearms are somehow ‘unCanadian’, then let’s arm those kiddies with clubs and do it the old-fashioned way (old-fashioned being the commonly accepted colloquial term for Neolithic). Really, it’s about time we got back to our hunter-gatherer roots—returning to our earthy origins is the perfect tonic for these modern times. That is, as long as I have an electric range to come home to, so I can cook up a little roast bunny . . . not to mention a plasma screen TV to watch the video replay of all the blood sport fun . . .

Okay, yes, I know, Easter is really a religious holiday and the whole bunny thing is just a side show to keep children busy while the rest of us drink Jack Daniels from a flask and try to stay awake through the requisite sermon on how Jesus died for our sins. (Helpful hint – don’t drink Jack through a straw.)

Personally, I think Jesus would be down with bringing a little more levity to the situation. “Yes, I’m dead, and you’re all pretty bummed, but go out and have some fun, revel in the fact that you’re still alive, and if you happen to have a significant other go breed like bunnies.”

Unlikely, you say? Perhaps (and yes, I realize I’ve just made the Catholic hit list) but I’ve never been a fan of the vengeful God theory or the massive guilt trip thing. Jesus seemed like a pretty live-and-let-live guy, so what’s with all the fire and brimstone undertaken in his name? I think he would have preferred that we drink, eat and be merry, as long as we didn’t impinge on anyone else’s eating, drinking and being merry and that we took some time to make sure others less fortunate were also able to take part in the eating, drinking and merry-making.

I’ll concede he probably wouldn’t be a big fan of hunting small animals with clubs. But I’d be willing to forgo the entertainment of mixing blood sport with childish innocence if it meant less sermonizing and images of Jesus being whipped by Roman legionnaires (now there were guys who put the blood into bloodsport), and more reveling in the joys of the world.

Ann Coltour wins!

So some career bureaucrat at the University of Ottawa hears that right-wing firebrand Ann Coltour is coming to talk at the university and all of a sudden he’s all a tremble, ‘goodness gracious, oh what should I do?’ He likely thought, and then it came to him, ‘aha, I shall write a strongly worded missive telling her that some of her, ahem comments, are not allowed here in Canada…well maybe not too strong a missive that might be seen as provocative, but I’m fairly certain she can’t just come here and say what she wants, that can’t be allowed can it? This is Canada after all.”

We have to pity poor Mr. Houle, imagine the tortured process his tiny institutional brain had to go through in telling Ms. Coltour she didn’t have the right to free speech in a country that supposedly has free speech guarantees in its constitution.

The result, oh so predictable, is a media frenzy over the talk Coltour was scheduled to give and following its cancellation a sold out talk at a much larger venue in Calgary followed

Some commentators on CBC argued that in fact Coltour and organizers were planning on exactly this result. Doubtful actually, but her detractors certainly did everything possible to add to her fame and success, while embarrassing Canada.

Yes embarrassing Canada – we created an international press event over telling someone to watch what you say because us Canadians are like really sensitive and easily shocked. Instead of just letting Coltour talk or rant that is and shrug off her hyperbole as just that, we told the world we are intolerant of any view point outside of the narrow parameters of Ottawa minions, whose worldview is limited to the humanities course they took in their first year at Carlton.

What is scary is not that we get upset at Coltour for being politically incorrect, but that many commentating on CBC’s website believe in limited free speech, at least one person argued she be arrested if she did speak. How easily we’re all willing to give up basic civil rights just to make sure nothing makes us uncomfortable.

On the Jian Ghomeshi one women, who in his introduction Ghomeshi announced was a veteran advocate of free speech and civil rights in Canada, apparently doesn’t feel that civil rights extend to people who make her feel icky.

Sigh, if that’s who we have defending civil rights in Canada, why do we bother with civil rights, since it’s pretty clear we’re ready to surrender them the first chance we get in the name of…well, really just in the name of mindless, soulless, but still no less tyrannical bureaucratese.

Spring - the underachieving season

Well the first weekend of spring has come and gone and  we now feel...nothing really, it's spring, it's the most unspectacular season of them all. But Alan, you say, we've cast off winter, the trees are in bloom, love is in the air, to which I say, the last two months of winter and the first two months of spring are pretty much indistinguishable from each other, the trees are not in bloom and seriously what are you on?

You might also say that fall or autumn (as our English friends like to say, and if you say fall they roll their eyes and pretend not to understand you) is the same as spring, just a warm-up for winter as spring is a warm-up for summer (although it doesn't warm-up nearly fast enough). But you are wrong, fall is distinctly fall, the kids go back to school, the leaves change colour and the air becomes nippier. So what happens in spring? Well let's review, three weeks ago it was winter, it was chilly and raining, a few trees were valiantly trying to sprout buds and we were all wishing summer would hurry up and get here. And now that it's officially 'spring' what's changed? That's right not a thing.

Oh sure a few science nerds stayed up late on Sat night and balanced eggs on end at the precise moment of the equinox, hurrah, but that's about it for any meaningful signs of change in the air. 

Although I suppose we should be happy since as the saying goes March comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, but here on the Westcoast it comes in like a soggy kitten and leaves as a slightly less soggy kitten. 

Unlike Mongolia for instance where it comes in like a three-humped camel and leaves like a...what's that?...did I? Well I've just been informed I did that bit last year, so there you have it spring is so uninspiring that I can't even be bothered to come up with new material, a big disappointment I'm sure to my millions of fans, but don't blame me, blame the season.

Those poor giant corporations might now have to compete

It's a common refrain in Canada that we can't sell off our national champions, apparently these bloated corporate giants are so important to not only the Canadian economy but our national identity that these dinosaurs of industry must be kept on life support at all costs.

Personally I never got that, frankly I think I could still feel patriotic and pay ten times less in wireless charges to Verizon rather than pay through the nose to Telus. 

But they say (and they are the usual collection of editorial writers from Canada's national newspapers that are themselves dinosaurs) we will be 'hollowing out' corporate Canada, so if I follow their logic (and I use that term loosely in this regard) we should use tax dollars (if need be) to support industry that can't compete so we can pay more for services that could be provided cheaper and more efficiently if we allowed open competition because if we allowed billions of dollars to flow into the country that would kill jobs? 

Right because that's what usually happens when billions of dollars are invested, it kills jobs. That would mean of course that the federal government's stimulus spending is a job killer. Well no, since that's government money, which means no quantifiable results were required in return for their investment and most importantly of all no executives at Rogers Telecommunications lost their jobs for incompetence. 

I single out Rogers because it was a Rogers spokesperson that commented recently on the need to preserve Canada's happy little corporate club of media giants so they can all continue to make wads of cash and dine out on expense account (no that's not quite how he put it). 

Somehow I don't think the corporate giants asking for government protection are really that worried about Canada's national identity and I'm pretty sure they realize the rest of us, outside of the MPs they bribe and the useful idiots at the Globe and Mail and Toronto Star, don't care about 'national champions,' when it comes to who we buy cable/wireless service from or where we buy books. 

As we've seen here in B.C with Premier Gordon lapdog Campbell, preserving monopolies for his corporate pals might be good for their bottom line but it hasn't done much for the economy. But of course the answer is not free enterprise and an open market; no the answer for Campbell is apparently to tax small businesses to death and slash healthcare spending so his 'corporate champions' can continue to pay their bar bill at the country club. Doesn't that just make you break out in patriotic fervor?      

King of the World now looking for work

So James Cameron, a.k.a ‘King of the World’ got bitch slapped (figuratively speaking) by his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow who took home the Best Picture Oscar and Best Director Oscar for her film ‘Hurt Locker’ (the first time for a female director in 82 years). It was a tough loss for Cameron who had reportedly planned to crown himself ‘King of the Universe’ in his Oscar acceptance speech and then add, ‘so that means I like totally own all your asses.’

Fortunately the tyrant was sent packing and Cameron was forced to curb his desire for world domination, force a smile and was heard to mumble something to the effect, ‘she won? That bitc…I mean good for her.’

To add insult to injury many people commented on how much older Cameron looked than Bigelow, who is actually three years older than him – seriously have you seen this woman, she’s 58 and looks 38, what is she taking?

In other world domination news Premier Gordon Campbell (you knew it was only a matter of time until I got around to him again) has decided that since the Olympics produced such joyous outbursts from the local populace all holidays will now be Olympic themed, starting with Easter, which will now be known as ‘Olympic Bunny Hop Day.’

The premier will also create an entirely new ministry to oversea the conversion of all holidays (stat and non-stat, and yes that includes Ground Hog Day) into Olympic themed days; the ministry will be called the Ministry of Love. When informed that Ministry of Love was the same name as the nefarious centre for torture and mind control of a totalitarian state as portrayed in George Orwell’s book 1984 apparently the premier’s response was, “cool.” That is until some, somewhat more astute underling realized that wasn’t cool and the premier was forced to back down from his Ministry of Love proposal. And in fact the IOC is, as rumour has it, threatened legal action against the province over the Olympic themed holiday idea. So the premier is once again batting .000 percent on accomplishing anything constructive and he is still plagued by rumours of imbutain addiction. I mean really, just look at the guy, the maniacal looks, the delusions, the constant self-aggrandizement and the imaginary friends (some of whom are now actually on the provincial payroll) and it’s pretty clear…well it’s pretty clear he’s acting the way he’s always acted but I’m still putting it down to imbutain addiction.

Is it possible Campbell will do to the Liberal Party of BC what Bill Vanderzalm did to the Socreds? (For all of you Ontario residents that was the old Social Credit Party).

Insiders say it’s definitely starting to look that way and are considering the Ides of March as the ideal time to put the premier out of his misery (figuratively speaking) and bring in a new leader. If it does happen hopefully someone will be nearby to record the premier muttering “et tu Hansen?” as he is knifed 15 times (figuratively speaking) in the back on the steps of the provincial legislature.

Meanwhile Vanderzalm himself has risen Lazarus like from the graveyard of disgraced politicians on the strength of his recall petition on the dreaded H.S.T.  If the idea gets legs perhaps Vanderzalm will ride a wave of grassroots support back to the legislature – farfetched? Perhaps, but then again Campbell has been elected premier twice, true he was up against Carole James, but still…

Ground hog sacked!

The famed ground hog Pawksatawny Phil will be predicting early springs no more, the charming rodent who has thrilled millions over the years has officially been given his walking papers.
Organizers of the original Ground Hog Day say the move was in the works for the last couple of years but the last straw was Phil's complete miscue on this year's Spring. "He said it was going to be a long brutal winter and meanwhile we're walking around in T-shirts and shorts, he just doesn't care anymore," said a source close to the celebrity ground hog. As well there have been rumours that fame has gone increasingly to Phil's head and his demands have become ever more outlandish.
"I really object to that I had a few requests and let's face it I'm the star of this little production so what's wrong with getting a few perks," said Phil.
Perks are one thing but organizers said Phil once requested a bowl of red M&Ms only to discover he was colour blind, which then blamed on his assistant and demanded she fired. "Oh that," said Phil, "Well look it wasn't about the M&Ms she kept hounding me for autographs for her friends and asking me if she could join me at parties, so as usual there's more to the story than the press reports.
What about a rumoured drinking problem?
"Drinking problem, is it wrong to want to start the day with a little of the good stuff, I mean it's cold here some mornings and sometimes I need a little more than coffee to get my game face on, if you know what I mean."
"Oh it went far beyond that," said the same unidentified source. "It got to the point where he wouldn't do anything until he had a cocktail in his hand. We told him he couldn't come out in front of the cameras this year with a martini in one hand and he threw a temper tantrum."
So what's next for Pawksatawny Phil now that his weather predicting days are over.
"Me, don't worry about me, my agents already fielding offers and I'm going to the Oscars with Madonna. Are any of these yokels going to the Oscars with Madonna, no they are not."
Perhaps to demonstrate that he does still have what it takes, Phil is predicting a long hot summer.

The ugly Candian

No that Canada has cleaned up in the Olympics winning a record number of medals commentators south of the border and of course as usual the stuffy brits across the Atlantic are now referring to us as the ugly Canadians. Allow me to pause here while I fall down on my back and laugh heartily...there that's better, the  hypocrisy here is so broad and so deep, where does one begin?
Well you don't and if the Brits win the World Cup this year (it could happen) we'll be seeing the ugly Englishman in all hi lager chugging, bad teeth and poor hygiene glory. And it won't be long before the Americans do something that we're all supposed to be proud of, like invent a way to text underwater or something and they'll be back to their flag waving ways, what am I saying, they never stopped, they're just chuffed we out did them in the flag waving category - which if you get right down to it is just unAmerican.
Actually what's really annoying is the handwringing that goes on here in Canada. Most of it emanates from Toronto, and features columnists from the Globe and Mail preaching about the awful unCanadianess of being proud of one's country.
Apparently they feel gold medal wins should be celebrated with polite golf claps followed by encouraging comments to our worthy opponents, not screaming and yelling and gasp flag waving, not to mention, horror or horrors 18 year-old women drinking beer!
To Toronto media all this out burst of emotion is, well, too American, to that I say, you didn't get the Olympics now get over it...and the CN Tower is no longer the tallest free standing structure in the world, so there, now I'm going to go wave my flag.  

Canada: the new cool

It used to be that Canadians picked up on American trends usually six months to a year after they had already become the cool new thing in the U.S.
It was endlessly frustrating growing up, trips south were always met with derisive comments from American kids that almost invariably went, "you guys are still into that?" Of course I wasn't about to reveal that we had just gotten into "that" and it was all the rage, no at least I had the sense to respond with a modicum of indifference that my prized Star wars T-shirt was some old thing I was wearing because we were on vacation. "But it looks kinda new," some smart ass would always chime in and since I was only ten I'd pretty much used up my store of good comebacks.
But now the worm has turned at last! When American tourists show up this summer wearing those red Olympic mittens (yes they will wear them in the summer, they're Americans they think we live in igloos) the ones people were lining up at 5 am to purchase, I can finally say, "wow you guys are still into that? Plus it's 30 degrees out, what's with the mittens?

Go ahead give them a cuddle

How high is anti-American sentiment running right now? Surprisingly not that high, actually lower than usual, using my own unique social barometer, and I put it down to Olympic spirit, which has the city of Vancouver and surrounding regions in the grip of some sort of love-in.

But our rivalry with our neighbours to the south, good-natured or not, is never far from the surface and it may yet raise its ugly head again. Still in the international sprit of the just ended Olympics I feel we should take a moment to look at other big brother/little brother country rivalries around the world. First and foremost is Australia/New Zealand, think we sometimes find Americans objectionable? Well listen to how one New Zealander describes Australians. “Take American self-centeredness, insularity, pomposity, self-delusional grandiosity and lack of an ounce of self-awareness, multiply it by a 100 and you have an Australian.”

Ouch – personally I never thought Australians were quite that bad, but then I also think Koala bears are cute, to which my Kiwi friend quickly disabused me of. “Koala bears are anything but cute, they’re vicious man-eating killers and that’s part of the problem with Australia they don’t tell people about the dangers lurking in their own country, like Koala bears…did I mention they’re killers…I did, yeah well, like I say watch out for them. New Zealand on the other hand, well when’s the last time you ever heard of a vicious man eating lamb?”

Also it’s perhaps worth mentioning that Canada was recently dissed by Australian You Tube sensation Natalie Tran, who completely without provocation belittled the entire nation of Canada on her You Tube channel for our milk drinking habits. Apparently they only drink Kangaroo milk in Australia and milk from cows is considered barbaric, perhaps those Kiwis have a point.

Anyway as heated as the Australian/New Zealand rivalry is, there is also of course the long simmering and often violent English/Irish conflict. This one goes back centuries and as far as I can tell rests mainly on the English, who clearly have no sense of humour about anything as we have seen recently (for all of you Monty Python fans out there – it was 40 years ago get over it).

Actually just like the Australians Canada isn’t getting much respect from the motherland these days, so I think we should feel free to jump in with the Irish and deride the English for the bunch of stuck-up tossers we’ve always known them to be, but then I’m of Scottish descent so these sentiments come naturally to me.

Still maybe I am being a little harsh in indicting the entire country – it is mainly the Guardian newspaper that is leading the anti-Canadian charge and they clearly feel some jealousy that their quasi-socialist economy is fairing so poorly compared to our, somewhat less quasi-socialist economy.

And then there’s the Norwegians and the Swedes, and like so many of these rivalries it always, it’s not us it’s them, or as one Norwegian put it to me recently. “We like the Swedes, we really do, it’s just that there such underhanded slimy bastards about everything.” Yeah, clearly there’s a lot of love there. But the love goes both ways, my niece and nephew are half Swedish and they tell me they have nothing against the Norwegians, except, “they’re just so slow about everything, you can have better conversations with a dachshund.” Now that just seems completely unfair to me, since I’ve had conversations with both and I have to say unequivocally the Norwegians come out on top.

So to sum up, in the spirit of the Olympics, may I suggest, you turn to the nearest Australian, Pomm…I mean Brit, Swede and yes even our American friends, give them hug and say, “you know what, you’re alright.” They’ll then push you away and say, “who the hell are you?!” But you know the spirit will still be there and you’ll feel good about it. Unless of course we’re talking about Czechs and Slovaks…don’t even get me started about them.