The unstoppable VanZalm machine

The unstoppable Vanderzalm machine is rolling through Vancouver this week and The Zalm is out to do some Zalmdamage to the Liberals and their despised H.S.T as his supporters grow and the Zalm grows ever closer to steamrolling over the corrupt Liberal regime in Victoria.

That’s how the press release should read if anyone cared to ask me but of course nobody did…fools.

Yes no one likes Campbell and everyone detests the H.S.T but the main thing here is that the person who started the province wide rally against both, former premier Bill Vanderzalm, should make the most out of his exciting last name.

He has a V and a Z in his surname, alone those are powerful sounding consonants but together – Vandamage!

Sigh, apparently no one else is as excited about hard consonants as I am, but they should be, because Vanderzalm, believe or not, is gathering significant support as people can’t help but flock to his no nonsense populism, especially when compared to the dual automatons Carole James and Gordon Campbell.

Campbell is currently 18 points down in the polls but by all accounts completely nonplussed by those numbers. Most mainstream media outlets put it down to his hubris based on three previous election victories, but those of us with an ear to the ground believe it is more likely a result of the premier’s growing Imbutain addiction.

So in the grasp of the rare South American pain killer/hallucinogenic Campbell is, according to some accounts, delusional and out of touch with reality. He has, so the rumour goes, taken to calling midnight cabinet/prayer meetings and has even flirted with the idea of changing his name to Amour De Cosmos (Lover of the Universe).

Oddly enough, or perhaps not, most people would be more likely to vote for Amour De Cosmos than Campbell, so his handlers should encourage the name change not dissuade him.

Well politics in B.C are interesting if nothing else, many of my Ontario friends, which is pretty much all of them (all two), always ask what makes B.C politics so wacky, so goofy, so completely out there and why do we vote for these people?

Yes there is a tone of superiority from my Upper Canada friends who have migrated to B.C, apparently so they can constantly remind us how much better things are in Ontario. They prefer the central Canada approach to politics, electing an unexpressive and unemotional premier who resembles a marble statue of all previous premiers (and in one case it actually was a statue, apparently they lost track), about once every 10 years, who does what all the rest have done and so on and so forth.

“It’s boring but at least it’s predictable,” they say. What’s so great about boring and predictable? I’m looking forward to the last days of the Campbell regime as the legions of VanZalmer supporters storm the Fuhrer Bunker underneath the legislature building, who knows what crazy last minute edicts Campbell will issue.

Of course that’s supposing his alleged Imbutain addiction won’t get the best of him before 2013 and there will still be a Campbell to kick around. You see that’s the problem, you never realize how much you miss someone until they’re gone. And when Campbell is banished from public life to quietly snort rails of Imbutain in between drinks on the cocktail circuit, we’ll miss him…yes we’ll miss ridiculing him, but there will never be a better and more deserving target of our ridicule, sigh, all good things do come to an end.

  

How I saved Burton Cummings life

So Burton Cummings was in town this past weekend, and, yeah, I admit it he was here to see me. But why, why, oh why would one of Canada’s greatest musicians, second probably only to Ann Murray, come to Squamish to see you? I imagine some of the less credulous among you are asking. Well let me tell you why, my skeptical friends: I don’t generally like to blow my own horn, but I once saved Burton Cummings’ life.

It was the summer of ’01 and Burton was in Vancouver commiserating with Randy Bachman over the latest Guess Who comeback-tour debacle (people had been expecting Lenny Kravitz to sing ‘American Woman’). Anyway, at one point Cummings decided he needed to go out into the wilderness to, ‘clear his head,’ so he headed off into the trails on the North Shore mountains. Now it may come as a surprise to many of you who know me as a debonair man about town, the person with his hand on the pulse of the cognoscenti, the trendsetting, style maker that I am today, however at that point in my life I was going through my hermit/mountain man phase, and was living in a small hut on Hollyburn Mountain (on a side note, this living off the land, getting back to nature stuff is highly overrated). So there I was, sitting outside my little shack underneath a giant Douglas Fir trying to keep down my latest backcountry culinary creation (moss à la tree bark, sprinkled with a soupcon of wild mushroom stems that may or may not have been poisonous), when I heard melodious cries for help.

I instantly thought  to myself, Why, that sounds like Burton Cummings and he’s in trouble! Off I sprinted, grabbing my favourite walking stick and cap made entirely of hand-woven pinecones, in search of the yelling that sounded like a cross between late Jimmy Hendrix and early Robert Plant.

It wasn’t long before I came across Order of Canada recipient Cummings and found him face to face with an angry black bear who was clearly intent on tearing Canada’s most cherished rocker since Neil Young from limb to limb.

Apparently Cummings had made the mistake of taking along his own trail energy concoction, an unusual mix of fresh berry compote and honey preserved in fish oils. This concoction, besides being completely nauseating to 99.9% of the rest of the human population, is also an elixir to bears of all species and they will do almost anything to get their hands on it; lie, cheat, steal, trick you into a crooked game of three card monte, and if all else fails they will simply take it by force.

This was the stage Cummings was at with his bear adversary, who had already failed with the old bait and switch con (one thing I learned from backcountry living is that under no circumstances should you trust a bear).

Fortunately I arrived on the scene in the nick of time, and before the bear could lunge and take out the six-time platinum and Grammy award winner recording artist, I did the only thing that will stop any bear anywhere in his tracks: in my tremulous baritone I began to sing ‘Snowbird,’ by Ann Murray, which first froze the advancing bear in his tracks and then sent him running for cover.

Cummings was so impressed he said he would be forever in my debt, “and I don’t even like Ann Murray,” he added.

So yeah, he came by to hang out and talk about old times and ask my advice on future records. Although, to be honest, I really don’t know a lot about the music industry and between you and me I always thought Bachman Turner Overdrive was a better band than the Guess Who. Come to think of it, why the hell couldn’t it have been Randy who needed to, ‘clear his head’?

Oh well…wait did I ever tell you about the time I got drunk with Randy Bachman at the 2004 Juno Awards in Winnipeg? It went like this, I was in my jazz flute phase and Bachman walked into this bar…

The mighty Zalm!

Well I warned you he would be back someday and now he’s here in all his fuaxtanned, fantastic glory – it’s former premier Bill Vander ‘The Zalm’ Vanderzalm and his new cause célèbre that has vaulted The Zalm back into the political stratosphere, well maybe not stratosphere but we’ll give him troposphere. It’s all due to his not so quiet revolution to recall the H.S.T legislation, and the movement is gaining ground and crossing party lines since NDPers who realize Carole James is only popular when compared to Campbell and even then it’s close, are shrugging their shoulders and deciding, what the hell, it can’t hurt to try and ride The Zalm’s coattails and see where this goes.

Where it goes, as I’ve been saying for years if anyone cared to listen, is Campbell running to a waiting helicopter on the legislature’s front lawn, solo since Mrs. Campbell gave up on him years ago, and waving his red Olympic mittened hands before flying off into the sunset amid general cheering, that is except for the shattered Liberal party he’ll leave behind.

Vanderzalm of course hopes to revive the fortunes of the long marginalized B.C Conservative Party through his H.S.T revolution. But say in the unlikely event he is successful (don’t get me wrong I wish him success, but…) what would Vanderzalm bring to the table besides revoking the H.S.T?

Well  it’s almost a certainty he would bring in legislation banning Asian realtors who wear loud hats (for all of you Ontario immigrants that’s a reference to…oh just look it up I can’t explain everything.)

He would bring back the grizzly hunt, which would be unpopular with the environmental crowd but hugely popular with the blood thirsty Norman crowd who currently have to let their cross bows and Mastiffs sit idle while the great beasts roam the country side terrorizing innocent berry pickers (so he would get the berry picker vote as well). Yes that Vanderzalm knows the political culture of B.C like no other.

Also on the plus side Vanderzalm would pledge to be a true free market leader, not just free markets for his four buddies at the golf club, which isn’t really a free market, however the last time someone tried to explain this to Campbell he had a temper tantrum and had to be put on the punishment step until he could be civil again.

Vanderzalm, so it’s been reported has also changed his attitudes towards the gay and lesbian community since his last tenure as premier and apparently he now has no problem with their right to exist, as long as they go to Mass.

So where does all of this leave Carole James, who is now caught between sniping at the hapless Campbell and trying to ignore the rising popularity of Vanderzalm.

“Damn, couldn’t someone put the stake back in his heart,” she might be thinking (oh come on that’s not that much of a stretch.)

For one brief shining moment James, the most unlikely person ever to have a chance at being elected premier since Amour Des Cosmos, had a shot at being elected premier. Now she has to decide, attack Campbell for bringing in the H.S.T and attack Vanderzalm for fighting the H.S.T or doing nothing and hoping the electorate don’t notice come 2013. My advice to James take the George Costanza route, the less you do the better off you’ll be. But still, she’s up against the mighty Zalm personality and just watch, once it gets fired up it’s fantastic (to Ontario immigrants, you see Zalm had this thing where he always said…ah nevermind.)

What would Jesus do?

Easter is here again and it’s open season on bunnies. Actually it’s not, except in Australia, where it’s time for the great Easter rabbit hunt. Well it’s always great rabbit hunt time in Australia, but at Easter everyone wears colourful hats while blasting away at the fast-breeding rodents, who have no natural predators in the land Down Under.

Why can’t we have a proper Easter hunt? Why does it have to be about finding chocolate eggs? To my mind, arming eight year-olds with 12-gauges and letting them blast away is far more entertaining than watching them crawl around local parks looking for treats. Also, hunting small furry animals teaches them valuable life lessons, like, for instance, that double-ought buckshot is lethal at short range, but can really only wound someone at 40 yards.

However, if you feel that firearms are somehow ‘unCanadian’, then let’s arm those kiddies with clubs and do it the old-fashioned way (old-fashioned being the commonly accepted colloquial term for Neolithic). Really, it’s about time we got back to our hunter-gatherer roots—returning to our earthy origins is the perfect tonic for these modern times. That is, as long as I have an electric range to come home to, so I can cook up a little roast bunny . . . not to mention a plasma screen TV to watch the video replay of all the blood sport fun . . .

Okay, yes, I know, Easter is really a religious holiday and the whole bunny thing is just a side show to keep children busy while the rest of us drink Jack Daniels from a flask and try to stay awake through the requisite sermon on how Jesus died for our sins. (Helpful hint – don’t drink Jack through a straw.)

Personally, I think Jesus would be down with bringing a little more levity to the situation. “Yes, I’m dead, and you’re all pretty bummed, but go out and have some fun, revel in the fact that you’re still alive, and if you happen to have a significant other go breed like bunnies.”

Unlikely, you say? Perhaps (and yes, I realize I’ve just made the Catholic hit list) but I’ve never been a fan of the vengeful God theory or the massive guilt trip thing. Jesus seemed like a pretty live-and-let-live guy, so what’s with all the fire and brimstone undertaken in his name? I think he would have preferred that we drink, eat and be merry, as long as we didn’t impinge on anyone else’s eating, drinking and being merry and that we took some time to make sure others less fortunate were also able to take part in the eating, drinking and merry-making.

I’ll concede he probably wouldn’t be a big fan of hunting small animals with clubs. But I’d be willing to forgo the entertainment of mixing blood sport with childish innocence if it meant less sermonizing and images of Jesus being whipped by Roman legionnaires (now there were guys who put the blood into bloodsport), and more reveling in the joys of the world.

Ann Coltour wins!

So some career bureaucrat at the University of Ottawa hears that right-wing firebrand Ann Coltour is coming to talk at the university and all of a sudden he’s all a tremble, ‘goodness gracious, oh what should I do?’ He likely thought, and then it came to him, ‘aha, I shall write a strongly worded missive telling her that some of her, ahem comments, are not allowed here in Canada…well maybe not too strong a missive that might be seen as provocative, but I’m fairly certain she can’t just come here and say what she wants, that can’t be allowed can it? This is Canada after all.”

We have to pity poor Mr. Houle, imagine the tortured process his tiny institutional brain had to go through in telling Ms. Coltour she didn’t have the right to free speech in a country that supposedly has free speech guarantees in its constitution.

The result, oh so predictable, is a media frenzy over the talk Coltour was scheduled to give and following its cancellation a sold out talk at a much larger venue in Calgary followed

Some commentators on CBC argued that in fact Coltour and organizers were planning on exactly this result. Doubtful actually, but her detractors certainly did everything possible to add to her fame and success, while embarrassing Canada.

Yes embarrassing Canada – we created an international press event over telling someone to watch what you say because us Canadians are like really sensitive and easily shocked. Instead of just letting Coltour talk or rant that is and shrug off her hyperbole as just that, we told the world we are intolerant of any view point outside of the narrow parameters of Ottawa minions, whose worldview is limited to the humanities course they took in their first year at Carlton.

What is scary is not that we get upset at Coltour for being politically incorrect, but that many commentating on CBC’s website believe in limited free speech, at least one person argued she be arrested if she did speak. How easily we’re all willing to give up basic civil rights just to make sure nothing makes us uncomfortable.

On the Jian Ghomeshi one women, who in his introduction Ghomeshi announced was a veteran advocate of free speech and civil rights in Canada, apparently doesn’t feel that civil rights extend to people who make her feel icky.

Sigh, if that’s who we have defending civil rights in Canada, why do we bother with civil rights, since it’s pretty clear we’re ready to surrender them the first chance we get in the name of…well, really just in the name of mindless, soulless, but still no less tyrannical bureaucratese.

Spring - the underachieving season

Well the first weekend of spring has come and gone and  we now feel...nothing really, it's spring, it's the most unspectacular season of them all. But Alan, you say, we've cast off winter, the trees are in bloom, love is in the air, to which I say, the last two months of winter and the first two months of spring are pretty much indistinguishable from each other, the trees are not in bloom and seriously what are you on?

You might also say that fall or autumn (as our English friends like to say, and if you say fall they roll their eyes and pretend not to understand you) is the same as spring, just a warm-up for winter as spring is a warm-up for summer (although it doesn't warm-up nearly fast enough). But you are wrong, fall is distinctly fall, the kids go back to school, the leaves change colour and the air becomes nippier. So what happens in spring? Well let's review, three weeks ago it was winter, it was chilly and raining, a few trees were valiantly trying to sprout buds and we were all wishing summer would hurry up and get here. And now that it's officially 'spring' what's changed? That's right not a thing.

Oh sure a few science nerds stayed up late on Sat night and balanced eggs on end at the precise moment of the equinox, hurrah, but that's about it for any meaningful signs of change in the air. 

Although I suppose we should be happy since as the saying goes March comes in like a lion and leaves like a lamb, but here on the Westcoast it comes in like a soggy kitten and leaves as a slightly less soggy kitten. 

Unlike Mongolia for instance where it comes in like a three-humped camel and leaves like a...what's that?...did I? Well I've just been informed I did that bit last year, so there you have it spring is so uninspiring that I can't even be bothered to come up with new material, a big disappointment I'm sure to my millions of fans, but don't blame me, blame the season.

Those poor giant corporations might now have to compete

It's a common refrain in Canada that we can't sell off our national champions, apparently these bloated corporate giants are so important to not only the Canadian economy but our national identity that these dinosaurs of industry must be kept on life support at all costs.

Personally I never got that, frankly I think I could still feel patriotic and pay ten times less in wireless charges to Verizon rather than pay through the nose to Telus. 

But they say (and they are the usual collection of editorial writers from Canada's national newspapers that are themselves dinosaurs) we will be 'hollowing out' corporate Canada, so if I follow their logic (and I use that term loosely in this regard) we should use tax dollars (if need be) to support industry that can't compete so we can pay more for services that could be provided cheaper and more efficiently if we allowed open competition because if we allowed billions of dollars to flow into the country that would kill jobs? 

Right because that's what usually happens when billions of dollars are invested, it kills jobs. That would mean of course that the federal government's stimulus spending is a job killer. Well no, since that's government money, which means no quantifiable results were required in return for their investment and most importantly of all no executives at Rogers Telecommunications lost their jobs for incompetence. 

I single out Rogers because it was a Rogers spokesperson that commented recently on the need to preserve Canada's happy little corporate club of media giants so they can all continue to make wads of cash and dine out on expense account (no that's not quite how he put it). 

Somehow I don't think the corporate giants asking for government protection are really that worried about Canada's national identity and I'm pretty sure they realize the rest of us, outside of the MPs they bribe and the useful idiots at the Globe and Mail and Toronto Star, don't care about 'national champions,' when it comes to who we buy cable/wireless service from or where we buy books. 

As we've seen here in B.C with Premier Gordon lapdog Campbell, preserving monopolies for his corporate pals might be good for their bottom line but it hasn't done much for the economy. But of course the answer is not free enterprise and an open market; no the answer for Campbell is apparently to tax small businesses to death and slash healthcare spending so his 'corporate champions' can continue to pay their bar bill at the country club. Doesn't that just make you break out in patriotic fervor?