Well it's the Winter Olympics but the temperature is in the double digits, the sun is shining and if it was April we'd all be talking about what a great spring we're having.
VANOC has been taking a drubbing in the international media over the warm weather and how it has affected Olympic events, which is actually pretty unfair since despite whatever David Suzuki says VANOC does not control the weather.
Undaunted however VANOC has launched an innovative new campaign, they are calling on, actually demanding, that all locals do their part and dress as if it is in fact a traditional Canadian winter.
"If we just put on some parkas, mittens, scarves and a toque and think cold thoughts that will go along ways towards creating a 'winter atmosphere',"said a semi-official VANOC release. In an aside VANOC CEO John Furlong apparently added that a lot of the recent weather woes can just be put down to bad sportsmanship. He was unfortunately whisked away before anyone could get a clarification, but he may have murmured something about, "those damn Brits."
Realizing that the winter weather clothing demand might not go over so well with the general populace, who are more comfortable in shorts, T-shirts and flip flops these days the RCMP announced they will hold for 'questioning' anyone not wearing clothing appropriate for a January in Winnipeg.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Canada wins nail biter against Swiss - nation sighs in relief
Canada versus Switzerland was supposed to be one of those doormat matches on the way to the elimination round, yes Canada actually lost to the Swiss team in Turino in 2006, but that didn't stop them from taking a lackadaisical approach to the game, at least in the first two periods.
Canada scored a quick goal on a Danny Heatly wrist shot, despite squandering an early power play opportunity.
They then played the rest of the period as if victory against the Swiss was all but assured and aside from Sidney Crosby and Jarome Iginla (both of whom played the entire game with the intensity of a Stanley Cup final) Team Canada made sloppy passes and allowed for defensive breakdowns that they seemed to just shrug off.
At the start of the second period Canada again scored in the opening seconds and it looked as if their uninspirational play would be enough against the Swiss side.
However the Swiss soon capitalized on Team Canada's lack of cohesion and brought the game to within one. They then battle Canada in their own zone for most of the period, peppering Martin Brodeur with shots, but Brodeur, fortunately for Team Canada was back in his old form and was able to stone the Swiss with a series of spectacular saves.
But with less than ten seconds left in the period the Swiss finally found the net and entered the third period tied 2-2. It was clearly a wake up call for Team Canada who came out and finally played with intensity for the next 20 minutes, cheered on by 18,000 rabid Canadians chanting themselves horse with cries of "go Canada go!"
Team Canada had a series of heartbreaking chances right up until the final seconds and the period ended in a tie, as did the five minute overtime, which had everyone on their feet while the Swiss goalie Hiller made his own series of spectacular saves to stone Team Canada.
So it was on to the shoot-out, usually the bane of North American players. Hiller and Brodeur each shut down the first three players from either team. And then it was Sidney Crosby's chance to improve his already growing legend and he didn't disappoint, putting a laser like wrist shot top shelf as Canada Hockey Place exploded in a patriotic frenzy. Brodeur did his part to finish up the drama and easily turned away the Swiss shooter, which again resulted in a frenzy of flag waving, but despite the cheering every Canadian present and every Canadian watching at home or in a bar were secretly breathing a sigh of relief that Canada didn't lose to Switzerland on home ice.
Canada scored a quick goal on a Danny Heatly wrist shot, despite squandering an early power play opportunity.
They then played the rest of the period as if victory against the Swiss was all but assured and aside from Sidney Crosby and Jarome Iginla (both of whom played the entire game with the intensity of a Stanley Cup final) Team Canada made sloppy passes and allowed for defensive breakdowns that they seemed to just shrug off.
At the start of the second period Canada again scored in the opening seconds and it looked as if their uninspirational play would be enough against the Swiss side.
However the Swiss soon capitalized on Team Canada's lack of cohesion and brought the game to within one. They then battle Canada in their own zone for most of the period, peppering Martin Brodeur with shots, but Brodeur, fortunately for Team Canada was back in his old form and was able to stone the Swiss with a series of spectacular saves.
But with less than ten seconds left in the period the Swiss finally found the net and entered the third period tied 2-2. It was clearly a wake up call for Team Canada who came out and finally played with intensity for the next 20 minutes, cheered on by 18,000 rabid Canadians chanting themselves horse with cries of "go Canada go!"
Team Canada had a series of heartbreaking chances right up until the final seconds and the period ended in a tie, as did the five minute overtime, which had everyone on their feet while the Swiss goalie Hiller made his own series of spectacular saves to stone Team Canada.
So it was on to the shoot-out, usually the bane of North American players. Hiller and Brodeur each shut down the first three players from either team. And then it was Sidney Crosby's chance to improve his already growing legend and he didn't disappoint, putting a laser like wrist shot top shelf as Canada Hockey Place exploded in a patriotic frenzy. Brodeur did his part to finish up the drama and easily turned away the Swiss shooter, which again resulted in a frenzy of flag waving, but despite the cheering every Canadian present and every Canadian watching at home or in a bar were secretly breathing a sigh of relief that Canada didn't lose to Switzerland on home ice.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
VANOC to buy carbon offsets
In an effort to continue to pretend these Olympics will be the greenest games ever VANOC announced this week, at a sparsely attended press conference, that they will buy carbon offsets.
The six reporters in the room stifled a collective yawn at the announcement and the VANOC spokesperson fearing she was losing her audience quickly added that VANOC still had about $50 -$60 million left in their contingency fund, so it was important they spend it or it might go back to the taxpayers or something.
So what sort of 'carbon offsets' does $60 million buy you? Apparently for that princely sum VANOC can write off all of the carbon emissions from their 2,000 plus SUVs, their flights around the world promoting the Games and anything else they didn't think to put in their press release but might yet come up. "It will be like they were never here," said one observer. "Think of the millions of lives it will save," said another man, who as it turned out wasn't their officially but was in fact stalking Vice President Joe Biden and got lost.
Of course the vast majority of sane individuals are asking, 'well what exactly are carbon credits?' And that's the great thing, they can be just about anything; plant some trees in your backyard, there's a carbon credit, use fluorescent lightbulbs - carbon credit, low flow toilets (we know that makes know sense even by carbon trading standards) yup, carbon credit. 'So does that mean I can sell VANOC carbon credits for being a socially responsible individual?' Some of you may be asking. I'm afraid not my unwashed, Birkenstock shod friend. Carbon credits are traded by large companies that only deal with other large companies or organizations and only deal with carbon credits on a vast scale, like for instance Canada's boreal forest. 'But that forest already exists!' You would be right to exclaim but it would be in vain, carbon traders don't see an already existing forest they see untapped carbon offsets that will make them millions. And VANOC...well are you surprised that a large government bureaucracy would spend millions of dollars on something that serves no discernable purpose, you are? You aren't also by chance stalking the Vice President?
The six reporters in the room stifled a collective yawn at the announcement and the VANOC spokesperson fearing she was losing her audience quickly added that VANOC still had about $50 -$60 million left in their contingency fund, so it was important they spend it or it might go back to the taxpayers or something.
So what sort of 'carbon offsets' does $60 million buy you? Apparently for that princely sum VANOC can write off all of the carbon emissions from their 2,000 plus SUVs, their flights around the world promoting the Games and anything else they didn't think to put in their press release but might yet come up. "It will be like they were never here," said one observer. "Think of the millions of lives it will save," said another man, who as it turned out wasn't their officially but was in fact stalking Vice President Joe Biden and got lost.
Of course the vast majority of sane individuals are asking, 'well what exactly are carbon credits?' And that's the great thing, they can be just about anything; plant some trees in your backyard, there's a carbon credit, use fluorescent lightbulbs - carbon credit, low flow toilets (we know that makes know sense even by carbon trading standards) yup, carbon credit. 'So does that mean I can sell VANOC carbon credits for being a socially responsible individual?' Some of you may be asking. I'm afraid not my unwashed, Birkenstock shod friend. Carbon credits are traded by large companies that only deal with other large companies or organizations and only deal with carbon credits on a vast scale, like for instance Canada's boreal forest. 'But that forest already exists!' You would be right to exclaim but it would be in vain, carbon traders don't see an already existing forest they see untapped carbon offsets that will make them millions. And VANOC...well are you surprised that a large government bureaucracy would spend millions of dollars on something that serves no discernable purpose, you are? You aren't also by chance stalking the Vice President?
Rumours of Premier's drug addiction spread
A rumour has started that Premier Gordon Campbell’s imbutain addiction is behind some of his recent strange behavior.
Recently the premier has claimed the Olympics will not be over budget, that there are no snow problems at Cypress and the H.S.T is good for small business – self-delusion and incoherent speech is, apparently, a sign of advanced imbutain addiction. What can we expect if the premier continues to decline to seek treatment for imbutain addiction, you may ask trembling at the thought that the premier already has a history of ‘self-medicating’ and is probably unlikely to seek treatment.
Which means he will likely become increasingly paranoid, delusional and monomaniacal – yes it will be difficult to differentiate the symptoms from his usual personality so we will have to watch closely for tell tale signs. For example if the premier insists on carting around his urine samples or if he insists that all incoming correspondence first be approved by his imaginary friend ‘Bob, the giant rabbit.’ Or if he stands atop the legislature building and screams, ‘I’m king of the world!’ Those are definite signs, although he may have already done that last one.
In the meantime former premier Bill Vanderzalm has launched an official recall petition to block the H.S.T (who says there are no second acts in politics, just look at Nixon…yeah I know no one cares about Nixon anymore, but he sounds like he was a lot more fun to make fun of than Campbell).
Vanderzalm may be getting a little long in the tooth to begin his political resurrection, but on the plus side there are no rumours of imbutain addiction circulating about him. Plus unlike Campbell and NDP leader Carole James Vanderzalm is clearly opposed to taxing the province into oblivion and…did we mention he’s free of imbutain addiction?
Actually the irony here is Campbell may be pulling a Vanderzalm, letting his shortcomings pull down the entire party, with Vanderzalm it was questionable real estate deals, with Campbell it’s a drug fueled imaginary bunny named Bob. Maybe the Liberals should rethink their choice for leader of the party before we all wake up to Vanderzalm saying, ‘hah, how do you like them apples!’ Or considering the above maybe we should get behind the Zalm and wish him well in his struggle against the powermad, drug addicted (allegedly) premier.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Is it wrong to win 18-0?
The Canadian women's hockey team annihilated the Slovack team last weekend and ever since there's been a lot of hand wringing about how wrong it is to win like that.
Well how should we win? By a one or two goal lead followed by a a tap on the back to their opponents and the acknowledgement that they played well?
But they didn't play well and the Canadian women don't want to pull back on a crucial training game in the short Olympic tournament, they want to play their best at all times and woe to their opponents if they're not up to it.
In the 1936 Olympic games the Canadian hockey team, which had won in 1920 (exhibition sport at the Summer Games), 1924, 1928 and 1932 had to face rule changes mid-tournanment. The IOC was determined to thwart another Canadian victory at the Olympics and allowed Canadian men serving in the British Army to join the British hockey team, they then forced onerous amateur qualifying standards on the Canadian team that they completely ignored for the European teams. It was actually Great Britain that won the Olympic gold medal in hockey in 1936 and it took until 1952 for the Trail Smoke Eaters (back then existing teams were selected to represent Canada at the tournament) to bring hockey Gold back to the motherland and then it took another 50 years for a Canadian team to repeat the feat, since the IOC refused to block so-called amateur European players, who were in fact often much better paid than NHL stars of the day.
So when the women beat Slovakia 18-0 I say good for them, and although the tournament will get harder and there are those out there who say were are compiling a Karmic debt that will have to be paid, the reality is it is Canada that is now reaping its Karmic pay back - and it's a bitch.
Well how should we win? By a one or two goal lead followed by a a tap on the back to their opponents and the acknowledgement that they played well?
But they didn't play well and the Canadian women don't want to pull back on a crucial training game in the short Olympic tournament, they want to play their best at all times and woe to their opponents if they're not up to it.
In the 1936 Olympic games the Canadian hockey team, which had won in 1920 (exhibition sport at the Summer Games), 1924, 1928 and 1932 had to face rule changes mid-tournanment. The IOC was determined to thwart another Canadian victory at the Olympics and allowed Canadian men serving in the British Army to join the British hockey team, they then forced onerous amateur qualifying standards on the Canadian team that they completely ignored for the European teams. It was actually Great Britain that won the Olympic gold medal in hockey in 1936 and it took until 1952 for the Trail Smoke Eaters (back then existing teams were selected to represent Canada at the tournament) to bring hockey Gold back to the motherland and then it took another 50 years for a Canadian team to repeat the feat, since the IOC refused to block so-called amateur European players, who were in fact often much better paid than NHL stars of the day.
So when the women beat Slovakia 18-0 I say good for them, and although the tournament will get harder and there are those out there who say were are compiling a Karmic debt that will have to be paid, the reality is it is Canada that is now reaping its Karmic pay back - and it's a bitch.
Olympic fever overtakes protesters
Perhaps it was bound to happen in what could be described as a variation of Stockholm Syndrome - Olympic protestors have now themselves succumbed to Olympic fever.
Downtown Vancouver this past weekend had the atmosphere of a giant carnival and the world's greatest block party rolled into one. Despite the crowds and long line-ups for the Sea Bus, West Coast Express and Skytrain most people remained in good spirits, supposedly unpatriotic Canadians were heard breaking into spontaneous renditions of O' Canada, volunteers in their distinctive blue jackets (the Smurf army) were cheered and the flags of visiting nations were given equal respect in the spirit of the Olympics and in keeping with the general mood of good cheer for all.
It certainly helped that the weather cooperated Sunday afternoon relieving the persistent Vancouver overcast and gloom.
Visitors to Vancouver may think the sparkling city on the Pacific Ocean is usually a bustling cosmopolitan metropolis - however as Vancouver advice columnist Alice Archer noted, "this is the Vancouver I always hoped could exist one day. The excitement, the vibe of living in a rich and diverse city with a cultural life that reflects that - that's not really Vancouver and never has been until now."
Despite having voted for the Olympics in 2002 Archer said she remained largely indifferent to the Games until now. "I'm glad they're here, I can't believe people left town to get away from the Games, why? You're never going to experience anything like this in your hometown again."
Which brings us to the Olympic protestors, engaged in running street battles with the police only the previous day, by Sunday they too had succumbed to Olympic fever.
"Everyone's just having too much fun," said one protestor who did not wished to be named. "We were just bumming everyone out and I have to admit now that there this is actually pretty cool...but don't tell anyone I said that."
Antifur protestors in front of the Vancouver did attempt a brief protest Sunday, parading naked along Robson street as Asian men filmed them (apparently they have a thing for overweight women with hairy armpits. But even they were undermined by a a five-year old Australian sheep dog named Buttercup, who amazed the crowd by doing handstands and barking out 'Waltzing Matilda.'
Several bystanders gave Buttercup a perfect '6' except one French tourists who gave her a '1.5.'
Downtown Vancouver this past weekend had the atmosphere of a giant carnival and the world's greatest block party rolled into one. Despite the crowds and long line-ups for the Sea Bus, West Coast Express and Skytrain most people remained in good spirits, supposedly unpatriotic Canadians were heard breaking into spontaneous renditions of O' Canada, volunteers in their distinctive blue jackets (the Smurf army) were cheered and the flags of visiting nations were given equal respect in the spirit of the Olympics and in keeping with the general mood of good cheer for all.
It certainly helped that the weather cooperated Sunday afternoon relieving the persistent Vancouver overcast and gloom.
Visitors to Vancouver may think the sparkling city on the Pacific Ocean is usually a bustling cosmopolitan metropolis - however as Vancouver advice columnist Alice Archer noted, "this is the Vancouver I always hoped could exist one day. The excitement, the vibe of living in a rich and diverse city with a cultural life that reflects that - that's not really Vancouver and never has been until now."
Despite having voted for the Olympics in 2002 Archer said she remained largely indifferent to the Games until now. "I'm glad they're here, I can't believe people left town to get away from the Games, why? You're never going to experience anything like this in your hometown again."
Which brings us to the Olympic protestors, engaged in running street battles with the police only the previous day, by Sunday they too had succumbed to Olympic fever.
"Everyone's just having too much fun," said one protestor who did not wished to be named. "We were just bumming everyone out and I have to admit now that there this is actually pretty cool...but don't tell anyone I said that."
Antifur protestors in front of the Vancouver did attempt a brief protest Sunday, parading naked along Robson street as Asian men filmed them (apparently they have a thing for overweight women with hairy armpits. But even they were undermined by a a five-year old Australian sheep dog named Buttercup, who amazed the crowd by doing handstands and barking out 'Waltzing Matilda.'
Several bystanders gave Buttercup a perfect '6' except one French tourists who gave her a '1.5.'
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